Self Clearing Diary

`Must Have and Can't Have'

Our aim is to inspire others towards enlightenment via self clearing

When you want something too much, it tends to run away from you. When you want to avoid something too strongly, it tends to seek you out. Think of being in the water and reaching too hard for something so that you make a wave which pushes it away. And then think of pulling back from something so hard that it creates a suction which draws it to you. It is not that you can't like something and get it and have it, it is that you can't crave something and cling to it without getting into trouble. It calls for a lightness of touch rather than desperation. The more desperate you are, the harder it will be.

You might say that your energy is behaving in a backwards fashion. Your attempts to draw in what you "must have" and to push away what you "can't have" between them create a sort of unpleasant vacuum. It is similar to the "ridges" formed by the opposing forces of a problem (two things pushing against each other forming a sort of wall) but it is more dynamic in nature with love, fame, and fortune rushing away from you and undesirable things continually landing on your plate.

If you can reach a level of acceptance, of being willing to have or not have, if you can like and enjoy without craving and compulsion, if you can be disinterested or walk away from something without rejection and revulsion, then you can rise above this mechanism and dissolve it. That is the real secret of success. That is how to lead a charmed life where good things come your way instead of studiously avoiding you.

One of the best ways to break down a "must have" is to visualize wasting the item. Sometimes it might feel like you are feeding things into a vacuum for a few commands. And then the barrier will break down and you will find that it's easy to have something if you will give a little bit of it away. Then you can go further by visualizing giving it to others and others giving it to you. We will run this on a number of common "buttons" (a button is something you push or that somebody else pushes on you to bring about a reaction, in other words, a hot topic).

In some cases, the item might be one that you are trying to avoid instead of something that you are trying to have. In that case, instead of "wasting" the item, you should run "having more of" the item as the first process (the other processes remain the same). We will discuss that variation further in the next chapter. For now, if one of these seems like something you want to get away from rather than have, use "have more of" instead of "waste" as the first process in the area.

The Pilot's Self Clearing book - Chapter 16

Friday 4/6/99

R - Another great week.  Miles behind on typing up the diary because life is so full, generally.  For instance, three whole evenings I ran suppression processes (chapter 24) on T because she'd had a bad flu.  Her wins alone were so voluminous she wrote five pages of them, a record for her.  Then (last night) she refused to continue with the suppression handling.  My first thoughts were oh no, here we go again, and wondering why the Self Clearing wasn't working for her, etc.  Then she said she really wanted to go on with the next chapter!  Obviously she had achieved the desired result of chapter 24 Suppression.  When I mentioned her `illness' she said `Oh, yeah, I'm not sick any more' and that she'd recovered shortly after starting chapter 24!

16.1 Money

Visualize (invent and create a mockup) of ways to waste money. Imagine actual physical actions which do waste it. Keep mocking these up one at a time as well as you can until something comes apart or falls away. If the need and craving were really bad, you will often feel warmth and energy (a pleasant sensation) as the barrier falls away.

Of course there are a few people who are already in good shape in this area, in which case the result might not be spectacular but simply feeling good after a few commands of this. But note that even many rich people are not in good shape mentally on the subject of money, being trapped by their fortunes.

R - Well, T and I are already doing well financially now.  Since beginning Self Clearing we've purchased two home units, sold one, bought a house and currently collecting rent from the other property.  So results from this chapter would have to be quite spectacular. 

I had no trouble mocking up ways to waste money - trucks dumping money in holes in the ground, or having money burn, etc, until I got the idea that money was just paper.  Then I saw myself with mountains of coins giving it away wasting it to the people, and realised it wasn't a mock-up but a recall from Arabian times on earth.  Then I realised it had been an overt on many people because it runined them and enslaved them.  Then I recalled robbing trains in the American wild west and realised I'd had a must have on money for ages.  After a coffee break I continued and recalled creating a force field or pressor beam to repel money away from me.  Somebody had said I had a must have on money and to make them wrong I said/postulated I'd never touch it again!  Then I recalled being a genie in Arabian times and flowing money to a boy at a market.  No, his name wasn't Aladdin, but it may as well have been!  (I had recalled this years ago but this is the first time I've told the world).  Then I saw how I'd lost the ability to flow/have money and so had to work for it.

Continuing the process I visualised stuffing containers with money/valuables and dumping them on uninhabitable planets.  Then I realised that wasn't wasting it.  In fact, having it in huge steel containers where nobody (else) could get to it was in fact protecting it.  This mock up persisted and kept getting more real until I acknowledge it was actual recall from space opera times.  Then I spotted the postulate that I'd never need money ever again.  This was all good stuff but I felt there was something I wasn't getting so I continued (after lunch) to visualise any/every possible way to waste money until I recalled mum blaming me for wasting money as a kid.  Actually she STILL today is convinced that she `spends' money whereas I waste money.  I saw that THAT had really enforced a can't have condition throughout my life.  I continued the process until I realised that in my mind, or in my universe, I no longer had a problem with wasting money - in fact I could now CREATE money.  The process had taken me to the top of the scale.


Note that money is the "energy" of society and it needs to flow freely. Run these alternately:

a) visualize giving money to another
b) visualize another giving money to you
c) visualize another giving money to others

R - I ran this (alternating) for a few commands noticing how I saw far greater amounts of money involved with  people other than myself, and how I would stop money coming to me, etc.  Then I recalled something from a past life robbery involving drugs and a van.  I experienced a couple of somatics - a pain in the foot and my ears `singing' until I was able to visualise money flowing THROUGH me without interference/stops.

Monday 7/6/99

R - Continuing the above (second) money process I once again found myself reviewing incidents I'd recalled while doing money processes years ago.  I could have assumed the process was `flat' and stopped there.  But my ability to achieve a definite RESULT has been so strengthened by my accumulated Self Clearing experience I decided to continue the process for further gain.  For instance, with one persistent mock-up of giving money to others, receiving it myself, etc, it seemed VERY realistic in that there were large bundles of new, American bank notes changing hands and being loaded into a van.  I realised it was an actual incident from a past life.  With that my viewpoint of another recall of robbing trains from horseback changed.  It was now obvious these monies were flowing from others to others before I interfered.  So those were overts on that flow.  I see now that my agreement/postulate that such actions were okay makes me vulnerable to being ripped off in THIS lifetime - and indeed that's been the case.  Anyway, I realised the cross-flow was cleared up so I decided to continue the process to handle the remaining flows.

So continuing 16.1.2 further I became aware of the terminals (banks, tellers, etc) involved in the flows.  Then I saw myself as a clerk for the railroad company endorsing a payment to myself then later riding to a payment point and collecting wages under a false name.  So that was an overt on the flow self to self.  Continuing, I thought of President Marcos of the Philippines and how he'd stolen billions from the people and put it into personal accounts outside the country.  AGAIN I thought of the steel vaults I'd recalled a number of times in previous money processing.  I suddenly realised I'd done what Marcos had done but on a much larger scale.  Those vaults were filled with valuables and what I'd done (way back in space opera times, of course) was have them taken to various planets/asteroids.  The idea was to safeguard and guarantee my wealth into the future despite even a planetary catastrophe.  I even knew the digital code of the containers would be something like 999999 because I knew computers may be used to crack it and it would take longer to get to the nines.

Of course the whole thing seemed far out and unbelievable, etc., until it suddenly occurred to me this was all a goal/problem/mass thing.  Then I realised it all went back to the Incident 1 goal TO BE WEALTHY and I had in fact become the wealthiest person in the universe at one point.  I'd been unable to accept, see, or even confront this previously because money had always been a `problem' for me.  The `unreality' was now replaced with this brand new viewpoint.  Now instead of `looking up' to wealthy icons like Marcos or Bill Gates I can now enjoy the idea they'll never be as wealthy as I once was - and STILL may be if those vaults are still out there!

Tuesday 8/6/99

R - After a restless night and recent attempted break-in of our house (got barbed wire up now - that should slow them down) and a general `angry feeling' I couldn't begin the next process until I'd sorted out my universe by writing down what was happening.  This (itsa) led to recognising there was an ARC X but before I could determine `whose' I got the idea of a bunch of soldiers taking defensive measures against some enemy, brown uniforms, laying down barbed wire (as I did yesterday - so THAT was a key-in).  The `group' had been held together by an agreement to survive, and this had transcended death (they were `removed' by shelling finally). This cluster had awoken/triggered with my thoughts yesterday about forming a `survival' group with someone at work.  None of this was metered and I ended off after realisations about my life (e.g. recent urges to join the army) and some yawning.

I was then able to continue 16.1.2 for three more pages of answers and cognitions until noticing I was okay about others giving millions to others, but I wasn't happy giving millions to others.  I saw this had stopped me in life (e.g. in Amway and other multi-level ventures, etc) and then got a recall of being knighted/ rewarded for something in the past.  Then while going for lunch I realised WHY I had a problem with making others into millionaires - it was the Incident 1 postulate `Only one will survive'.  I was still suffering from its effects.  I finally realised that because of past achievements of wealth part of me had been stuck at Had on the scale.

Thursday 10/6/99


Money is only a medium of exchange. It is only a symbol or a substitution for actual work and possessions. Run these alternately:

a) What could money be a substitution for
b) What could substitute for money

R - By my second page of answers I saw how the process had taken me from had to substitute on the scale.  I saw that attention on money replaces attention on things themselves (goods, houses, etc).  Continuing I saw how we'd degenerated from being able to create things directly (such as with `magic') down to needing money to get things.  I kept recalling things to do with the time of Merlin and Arthur and realised Merlin's `magic' was ability/agreements carried over from the Magic Universe.  His connection with it was stronger/more real than other people's and so it wasn't hard for him to make someone into a king on earth (Arthur), and didn't need to rely on money.  It's only now as I type this up I see that, for me, money is a substitute for `magic'.


You need to be free on both accepting and rejecting. Note that you can both accept and reject the same thing (in other words, you could do either one comfortably).

a) What money could you accept
b) What money could you reject

Well, if Merlin was fairly unbelievable to recall I now came up with genie incidents!  The difference in `agreement' was quite interesting.  As a genie I could accept ANY money.  I realised today I can only accept the wage I am working for.  I was surprised to see I was actually rejecting other monies.  Didn't really resolve anything so decided to continue tomorrow.

Friday 11/6/99

R - 16.1.4 This ran for two more pages of answers/considerations, realising I could accept anything offered but wasn't able/willing to `compete' with others for money prizes, competitions, lucrative positions, etc.  I see now (didn't realise at the time - that's one of the advantages of typing up one's wins!) that in fact this is because I'm still effect of the Incident 1 postulate `Only one will survive'.  I'm manifesting losing the game/goal TO BE WEALTHY (see ch 36) in this life having accumulated too many considerations about money. Mm, `arrival' is one of the no-game conditions and I believed I had already been the wealthiest man in the universe.


This drill is done by closing your eyes and visualizing clouds of money around your body. Then you take the cloud and push it into the body (don't pull it in, push it in from outside, just visualize this as well as you can). After you do a few commands of this, mocking up a new cloud each time, then you throw the cloud away and have it explode in the distance. Again doing it a few times. Then go back to pushing it in, alternating these two actions back and forth, a few commands of each. If either throwing away the cloud of money or pushing it into the body seems difficult, then do the opposite command a few times (push clouds of money into the body until you can throw them away or throw them away until you can push them in).

Begin this drill visualizing dirty and degraded money to start with and later (when you can handle that well) gradually improving the quality until you are mocking up extremely nice money (gold or whatever). It is best if you mockup the stuff in a sphere all around you rather than just in front of you. Do this until you feel really good, and can have or reject money comfortably

R - Only had time to begin this process and ended off after a few wins/cognitions.

Monday 14/6/99

T - Just reading through the opening passage to this chapter and looking up the word `waste' in the dictionary, I reliased that waste is not just a physical thing, as I used to waste a lot of time with R on weekends.  I would just want to lie around and not do anything.  I'm happy to say things have changed and I'm very productive now.

16.1.1 - Money

T - I thought of ways in which money can be wasted eg burning it, shredding it.  I thought of R's mother and my brother wasting money through poker machines.  This is a concrete incident of waste ie not a mock up.  My win was coming up with a real waste which could happen eg buying my mother a microwave oven or other appliances with she would not use due to her technophobia.  I feel it's important to have a knowingness on waste eg if I bought R a shirt with a button-down collar it would be wasted because he doesn't like them.


T - This process involved visualising giving money to others and others giving money to you and to others.  I realised that money takes on various forms (obviously) and there are different methods of giving a person money eg if my mother gives me money she doesn't hand it to me, she leaves it in my bedroom under an ornament.  She also seems to have a problem with confronting money.  If I hand her money for rent she doesn't usually accept it.   She tells me I haven't stayed there long enough etc.  Now I wait until she asks me for it.  Hopefully this will help her.


T - Came up with different ideas about how money could be a substitute and what could be substituted for money.  R altered the question slightly and I could see how money could be a substitute for anything.  I told R I've never regarded money as being important because it's only really paper and metal.


T - This process involved thinking of ways to accept money and reject it.  I honestly didn't think I could reject any money.  I had a long chat with R about this and how we put conditions on money.  I could accept money found in the backyard but not dumped on the side of the road or that was obtained by illegal means.  I would also reject money mistakeningly credited to my bank account.  I remembered at school my best friend's parents were well off financially and my family was fairly poor.  I felt really insignificant when she tried to pay for me, and to some degree rejected her friendship because of this.  It got to a point where I just resented her.  I suppose I rejected feeling `kept' by her.

Tuesday 15/6/99

R - Continued 16.1.5 Clouds for an hour while travelling to work by train this morning.  Knew I could/would continue it as long as necessary to get a good result.  I now think of such processes as CCH (Control, Communication, Havingness) processes for OTs.

Wednesday 16/6/99

R - Did another hour of 16.1.5 Clouds on the train this morning.  The wins actually began while shaving this morning.  Continuing on and off through the day I experienced the following:
*  Process difficulty is directly proportional to accumulation of stops/ridges
*  Blew a definite ridge/barrier preventing me pushing money into the body
*  Was able to `explode' a house we nearly bought recently, so was now able to `waste' it

*  Was now able to push houses, goods, services, etc as well as money into the body
*  Suddenly things were flowing into body automatically/easily.  I saw this ability was connected to the lifetime where I'd achieved ultimate wealth (see earlier)
*  I became able to push/flow the entire physical universe into the body - and then realised this was a re-inversion (if we're suffering from inversion into mest)
*  Was now directly dissolving ridges put there during LSD trips many years previously
*  Realised I habitually improved conditions whereas most/many humans worsen them
*  No longer needed to `explode' money/mest, etc.  Now preferred to simply de-materialise stuff
*  Was able to destroy a hover scooter (a favourite whole-track vehicle of mine) leading to realising attachment to ANY item from even one past lifetime sticks one to ALL mest.

Towards the end of the day I pushed through some dopiness and into a `critical' feeling, which I knew indicated an overt/withhold.  I recalled `The basic overt is making others want mest' and then immediately saw myself pushing others into a pool in the Magic Universe.  Yet AGAIN things go back to Incident 1 - and in this case to the overt part of it.  (UPDATE Sunday 4 July 1999 - I found this item on the internet yesterday - along with the news of the Pilot's `outing'.)

Thursday 17/6/99

R - Had three cans of beer last night to celebrate progress so far.  This morning I re-experienced a state of being exterior to the physical universe very briefly.  I took this as a nice confirmation I'd completed the previous process, which the alcohol probably magnified.

Friday 18/6/99


T - After struggling with this process on my own over a few days I enlisted R's help.  We decided I had not been performing the process as per the Pilot's instructions.  I had been trying to mock up my own hands pushing money into my body.  R said this was `pulling', which the Pilot said not to do.  I struggled to push money into the body.  It would adhere to the skin, and I could only get it in through holes in the body.  The first time I tried to throw a cloud of money away it stuck to me.  I also had trouble exploding it so R came up with other ways for it to be disposed of eg burning.  I didn't realise I had trouble having money as opposed to not having it, which can be seen from my actions above.

Two days later we had another stab at the process.  We realised that the problem was not just money, I have problems with ALL matter.  Really big upset.  HUGE misunderstanding on the concept of the word `flow' in relation to processing (self to others, others to self, etc) which has now been cleared. R felt I had trouble with solids and mass and so he came up with a process:  Get the idea you are the body, get the idea you're not the body.  It was reasonably easy for me to see that I am the thetan (what a disappointment bodies are!)  We looked up `thetan tone scale' in the tech dictionary, which helped us both. R came up with a good process.  He asked me to think of a holographic wall and a holographic cube, which I was able to mentally push through the wall (finally!).  I was then able to complete the process and push money into the body after that.

Sunday 20/6/99


Now close your eyes and imagine that you are looking down at a large city. Preferably one that you have some familiarity with and do not have a great dislike for. Spot accumulations or flows of money within the city. For each one, reach down and connect to it, and then disconnect from it. Initially you might find that these things tend to suck you in or that you have trouble disconnecting. Continue this until you can reach and let go of these easily without any difficulty or urge to remain connected. Note that a "greedy soul" between lives can often be lead around by the nose by mocking up some gold in front of him and leading him along behind it. This process should make you immune to silly tricks like that.

This entire set of processes should be continued until you can either have or not have money comfortably and do not feel under any compulsion either to get it or to avoid it. If you do feel any craving or compulsion, you should go back and run the above set of processes again. After this, you should find that it is easier to think about money sensibly and that it is less difficult to acquire because you are no longer driving it away by clutching at it too hard. A bit of it might even fall into your lap gratuitously. And you should no longer be trapped by your own greed.

T - This process involved being above an area, reaching down and being involved in a money accumulation/flow.  I picked our local shops.  The first flow I picked involved two ladies and a child in a stroller.  They were a little frightening, so I didn't hang around long.  Then on to a real estate agent, who just reeked money.  Next was on a woman who had just bought a bag of meat.  I was able to get inside her bag and then withdraw.  The next one involved a man who had a case of beer and his wallet in his back left pocket. R suggested staying above the area and reaching down with my hand.  I did this, in a split second considering whether to take the wallet, which I didn't (he didn't suspect anything).  I was more interested in feeling the guy up, which should stand me in good stead for the next processes on sex.

16.2 Sex and Sensation

Here we are talking about the sex act as a mechanism of strong pleasure and sensation rather than addressing love and admiration which are much higher level feelings that will be addressed later. We are also talking about strong pleasurable sensations in general and if sex is an inappropriate item (you are too young or whatever), then substitute pleasure or pleasurable sensations in place of sex in the commands.

Also, if you are stuck on some drug which gives a powerful feeling of pleasure or ecstasy, then run this entire set of processes on it (using ecstasy or some other appropriate word) either instead of or in addition to running these processes on sex. These are run like the ones in section 16.1 above unless otherwise noted.

16.2.1 Mockup a way to waste sex

T - I realise that sex (per society's definition) is only to be intended for reproduction.  Therefore any sex which doesn't achieve this goal is a waste of sex.  It took me a while to come up with this realisation, as I was concentrating more on sexual partners than the act itself.


a) visualize giving sexual sensation to another
b) visualize another giving sexual sensation to you
c) visualize helping a prospective partner to have sex with someone else
d) visualize helping someone else to have sex with a prospective partner.

Note that c) and d) are not meant to mean participation in an orgy, They are meant to be selfless aid of another even though you yourself might desire the prospective partner. Note that this is a bit different from the way we ran money because with sex, either giving or receiving (questions a or b) are both to some degree have for self. You also need to run allowing others to have so that you can really be free in an area. Hence, the need for commands c) and d).

T - Very difficult process.  I realised I don't want people having sex, as they are contributing to over-population, producing criminals etc.  I have a must have can't have on sex.  Without it I have no 2D.  This process went for hours, as this is a very charged area for me (My uncle wanted to get into bed with me when I was young, I was `touched' by a boy in my class when I was in first grade, I was stalked by a guy in high school).  This is just some of the charge in this lifetime!  My win finally came when I was able to mock up sex independently with two guys at work who I don't feel physically attracted to.  I realised that sex is possible with anyone.  I was very disappointed that after completing this process I still had my hangups about sex.  Later I had an overwhelming other-determined consideration, "I'M NOT GOING TO MAKE IT".  I have had this feeling only once before, when my father was diagnosed with cancer.  I had an overwhelming feeling, "DAD'S NOT GETTING OUT OF HOSPITAL".  From my brief reading of implants (see later chapters) this is my first reality on their actual existence and their effects on myself.

Wednesday 23/6/99


a) What could sex be a substitution for
b) What could substitute for sex

T - One thing I came up with is that sex could be a substitute for reality.  A person may have no money and no future, but there's always sex!  I realised that a substitute for sex for me is MEST.  Time is spent at work, asleep, chores, etc.  Space devoted to sex is small and then confined usually to a bed.  Energy is used up with stress and daily living.  Matter is emphasised through sexual devices (emphasis on appearance, mood etc, not the act itself).

Monday 28/6/99

R - Got back into communication with a friend from the old days.  His wife was sick in hospital so I offered to do a healing process on her.  He said okay, so I did process 11.5 from Chapter 11 which I'd done successfully on myself and then found it worked on mum (see earlier chapter/s).  I'll provide more detail later depending on the outcome.  But the big win was I was able to create a viewpoint where her body was located many miles away, and perceive a dark mass in the relevant area and turn it white, and KNOW this `worked' and KNOW what was back of the illness.  I emailed the results to my friend and am awaiting feedback on the outcome.

R - Continued with 16.1.6 (exterior) Connect and disconnect from flows of money.  I knew I still had a must have on money because I'm sure I fit the Pilot's example of a `greedy ghost'.  I could see how `greed' could simply be a restim/trigger of the Incident 1 goal TO BE WEALTHY, and it was a `survival' goal so no need to resist it.  Anyway, continued process through much yawning/boil off.  Recalled some wins from doing the process yesterday on the train, which I hadn't recorded, so thought I may be overrunning the process.  Then got strong recall of Arabian lifetime with the goal TO BE WEALTHY.  All the loot/plunder had images of killings (of its previous owners) which didn't bother me then.  I then realised WHY we have monetary systems everywhere on earth - it allows the dramatising of this goal.  Then I saw that when people say `Power corrupts' it's more true to say `Incident 1 corrupts'.  Then I recalled something that was in the steel vaults I'd placed on other planets (see earlier process) - it was ingots of a rare white element.

Taking a break I suddenly got the reality of having had another Incident 1 goal in the past, TO BE DIFFERENT.  I then realised my brother had been dramatising it this lifetime.  Then I suddenly saw that because a body displaces some space in the physical universe then ANY person here is prompting a retaliation - another viewpoint on `the basic overt is being here'.  Continuing the process I recalled that a jewelled dagger (curved, Arabian style) had been more important to me than its owner, and that custom forbade me to harm a visitor to my tent, but on the way home he was `fair game'.  I then cognited on what `fair game' really meant.  It was considered too easy to kill someone at one's home - not sporting.  En route was okay.  Anyway, THAT'S how I became wealthy that lifetime.  Also a wise visitor, noticing my `interest' in something, would offer it as a gift.  I also saw how such a life, or that of piracy, etc., was considered more acceptable in those days.

Having a break at lunch time I realised another Incident 1 goal - TO BE INTELLIGENT - is the main one pushed in schools.  Other goals such as TO BE POPULAR are also acceptable with some teachers and pupils but not others.  So Inc 1 is still unravelling....

Continuing 16.1.6 produced images of many camels (a symbol of Arab wealth).  I was now able to appreciate things other than money, such as these and horses and oil.  Even water!  I recalled exacting taxes from people for using a ruler's water from upstream!  (Then I recalled what the ingots were - see above, they were platinum.)  By the end of the day I felt I'd milked this process as much as I could, and in fact done enough on `money' including digging up two lifetimes where I'd had the Incident 1 goal TO BE WEALTHY, as well as many other wins and realisations.  Besides, I need to catch up with T who's forging ahead.

Wednesday 30/6/99

R - Okay, haven't done much processing for a while.  Let's call it a win break!  But Incident 1 still continues to resolve.  This morning had a realisation about the goal TO BE STRONG and saw my life in relation to it.  As before, with the awareness comes the ability to see others dramatising the goal.

Sunday 4/7/99


a) What sex or pleasurable sensation could you accept
b) What sex or pleasurable sensation could you reject

T - I can accept sex dreams now whereas before I could only reject them.  I can accept the fact that I enjoy watching flagellation, so long as I'm not involved.  I have tried very hard previously to suppress this.  It makes me feel ashamed because it's `kinky' or `abnormal'.  I didn't think this was a great win until R mentioned Ability Gain: the pc's recognition that pc can now do things he could not do before.  I can see now how important it is to confront suppressed feelings.

Monday 5/7/99

R - Before starting the next process/subject  - sex - I needed to clear my head so I wrote down some considerations/complaints I had about things generally, which led to realising T and I could in fact benefit from addressing our second dynamic/s.

16.2.1 Mock up a way to waste sex wasn't hard to start as I felt I was already doing that, but it then got quite difficult.  Then I saw sex was basically energy flows between terminals, and one could waste either.  Then I saw that the incident 1 postulate `Only one will survive' explained why I always `abandoned' ex-girlfriends in favour of the new one.  And this could extend to limiting havingness to only one car, only one house, only one child (in China), only one vote, etc.  This led to further realisations such as restricting self to one terminal is a waste of sex, and the answer to scarcity is abundance, so sheiks have harems, politicians have mistresses, stars have groupies.  Wanting it too much (must have) makes it go away, so that's wasting sex.  Homosexuality is a waste of (the opposite) sex.  I saw that society's moral standards are probably `Only one' computations.  You know, the majority of people have the one job, one house, one wife, one car.  I saw that agreement with this limits one's expansion/abundance.  Then I saw I was making myself RIGHT for pushing others into Incident 1 by agreeing with it myself.  Like, hey, I can do it.  Also that I have to agree/obey rules because made others do so.  Then I saw that `only one' universe would survive - therefore all our personal universes are ruled by the physical universe.  And `only one' lifetime will survive and so for most people there is only the current life and no `past lives'.

Then I recalled the`red devil' incidents I'd run years ago but had not understood the significance of at the time.  Early on the track I'd come across a being mocked-up as a red devil (yes, with horns and pitch fork) looking down into a small `pool'.  This made me curious (that was the idea, of course) and when I looked into the pool I saw buildings and vehicles and activity because it was actually a doorway to that (this) universe.  The contrast with the low randomity where we were (just the two of us by a small `pool' in black space, no sound) was quite shocking.  Next thing I was pulled or pushed or fell `through' the pool and that's all I recalled, really.  Then of course I ran an incident where I was a red devil gleefully enticing others into my `pool'.  This mechanism is SO similar to the Pilot's magic universe pool/s that I feel it's important to make a note of it.  Also I ran the above YEARS before learning about magic universe and pools, etc.
UPDATE  7/7/99 - It occurred to me today the `pools' were actually viewpoints, either artificial like TV screens or created directly by a being as I'd created in earlier Self Clearing drills.  They operated exactly like the `doorways' in Sliders or in many other SF or Fantasy stories.  And of course Alice Through the Looking Glass.

Anyway, on to 16.2.2 Visualize giving sexual sensation to another/another to you, etc. Again this was a very interesting process to run.  Again the Incident 1 `Only one will survive' computation seemed to be the basis of the conservatism surrounding sex.  And by being `jealous' (not allowing a partner sexual freedom) then we trap ourselves.  I kept thinking of partners from my past, and realised this was at `had' on the scale.  I recalled suppression from mum in this area, recalling actual phrases she'd spoken although I wasn't capable of understanding them at the time (as a baby).  I got a glimpse of how her GPM pattern is different to dad's.  I recalled a couple of movies that portrayed my idea of ideal sex.  Then I saw that `sharing' is above `waste' and how mum would freak out about wasting food, etc, yet insist on me sharing stuff with my brother.  That made me recall again a life as a fat sheik where I loved to share `my house' with guests - food, shelter, slaves - until a white (European) Christian (?) moralist caved me in.  Now I pretty much have his values, and no more abundance, no more pleasure, no more power, no more generosity.  And then I realised this explained the key concept in How To Win Friends And Influence People.  The key is to help others get what THEY want.  And that's how I used to operate back then.  Now I see it's simply being unaberrated on helping others, and getting others to help others.  As one loses that then one falls down to helping only oneself.

Taking a break for lunch I felt something `fall apart' and it became more real how I'd become smaller as a being and more concerned with surviving on a smaller scale, more attention on self.  Continuing the process I saw how so many people have problems in specific areas.  For instance, some people can't receive/inflow sexual sensation, others can't give/outflow it, others can't tolerate others doing it to others, etc.  I recalled lots of incidents in this life and then suddenly rehabilitated that earlier freedom I had as a sheik.  I realised giving sexual sensation to another does not have to mean doing something directly to them.  A real freedom is (as it was then) being able to provide a guest with one of your own favourites!  Now THAT'S generosity!  I then saw that doing it oneself is a substitute for having others do it.  Our current belief is an inversion of this.  Continuing the process produced lots of yawning so I know I was overrunning it, but I now saw how all this life I'd done all the WRONG things, the opposite of what I should have done.

Wednesday 7/7/99

R - Strong chest pain following jogging last night so ran OT touch assist ( process 1.3)  for an hour on the train into work until I spotted an entity in the chest area.  Process 38.4 The NOTs technique  didn't resolve it so I checked for a `holder' and got another entity, an `enforcer' or `manager'.  Applying 38.4 to this one I got the response `You don't want to know'.  At this point I suddenly recalled (Yes, some more of mum's helpful hints on how to succeed in life!) mum's `I don't want to know', `We don't want to know' and `You don't know anything' and `Nobody knows' and `Mind your own business' and `Children should be seen and not heard', etc, that went on most of the time - basically a complete suppression of my ability to know.  I saw how much this had contributed to my `poor memory' for names, events, etc. Continuing the process however the `enforcer' maintained his position and I realised his PURPOSE was to suppress knowingness.  At this point I got a huge realisation on how I'd `freed' my grandfather who was `stuck' in his kitchen years after the death of his body.  (I'd done this long before doing OTIII and learning about entities and so forth).  Anyway, checking for another `holder' I got the usual Excalibur result - an alien and space craft.  This one was part of an invader/holding force of a `lizard race'.  At this point I recalled LRH's `Terl' character from Battlefield Earth and thought `He KNEW about them!' and also the TV series `V' about alien lizards versus humans, etc.  Continuing 38.4 I got that he felt `judged' as `bad/evil' from the human viewpoint and he didn't want to end up on the human side of the equation, paying some karmic `debt'.  At this point I got the viewpoint of me as God being/playing both human and lizard.  The `game' concept seemed to take `blame' out of the equation, and then I got the Bible idea of Armageddon, the final battle where good will triumph.  Using `point to the being you divided from' the lizard pointed `up' to static or God and up he went.  (Coincidentally I began reading a vampire book about an hour later and was excited to read the vampires were about to do battle with Jesuit priests who'd been prepared for this final Armageddon against evil).  Finally I completed handling the first two entities that had been held in place.  And of course this was all done without the aid of a meter.

Friday 9/7/99

T - Two days ago I came down with a cold, my second one in two months.  R went through spotting an SP with me.  I told him that I suspected a comment from my mother set my sickness off.  She used my brother in comparing someone's age when in fact this person's age is nearer to mine.  It seems that my family (particularly my mother) are readily able to put me last.  I thought that my 9th birthday party where my brother put me last in the games was an isolated incident of coming last, but it seems as though it's still ongoing.

Saturday 10/7/99

T - I was very sick last night.  I had a fever across my face and neck and it felt like I was being burnt/dying.  I then woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep because my legs felt `on fire'.  Today R and I did some more processing.  I realised that I am overdramatising the problems that I have with my mother.  Because I don't share the family interests I can see why I'm on the outer.  I have thought for a long time that I was born the wrong sex in my eyes and in my mother's.  However this is beyond my control.  It is actually my father and his chromosomes who decide the sex of the offspring, so the responsibility lies with him.  My mother is the youngest of a family with three brothers, so perhaps she treats me as she was treated.  My mother commits overts by being sneaky.  She gave me a cushion which she won via a radio station.  I wasn't sure what to do with it, so I kept it in my wardrobe.  Recently when I arrived home I noticed the cushion on my brother's sofa in the garage.  When I questioned Mum about it she said that I didn't appear to be using it so she gave it to my brother.  It reminded me of when I was about ten years old.  I was in the Brownies.  We had a charity drive where we were asked to bring in old games to donate to kids in hospital.  My mother gave them our good games and my brothers blamed me, not the person responsible.  They are still treating her with kid gloves.  Felt better after I came up with this realisation after R had set me up on the suppression processing.

R - T is feeling a bit better this morning so we did our usual Saturday morning thing - McDonald's for breakfast then weekly groceries and goodies at local shopping centre.  Also bought a new mouse for the computer because we've worn out the last one. Then home, pumpkin soup for lunch, bit of TV, then I did more suppression processes on T - she runs really smoothly these days compared to the first year of processing - grooved in, as it were.

Monday 12/7/99

R - Still got a virus or something - big pain in chest so again unable to jog last night.  So I did an hour of 1.3 Applying the Attention Process to the body (I call it OT Touch Assist) till spotted white spikey things/entities in the chest area and saw (ancient) images of protest/torture which had caused them to develop antipathy to humans.  (Reminds me of the rumour that the CIA deliberately cultured the AIDS virus in African slave labour camps).  Realised how T/assist worked to `spring' entities by focusing attention on affected area/s.  The assist generally relaxed the previously tense stomach area but there remained a number of unresolved matters directly relating to the symptoms/somatics.  For instance while jogging with T I'd complained of the following in connection with the `chest' pain/s -
1) People must be using illegal/unusual things because I definitely felt poisoned by the fumes and was unable to breathe properly.
2) Smoke from fires combined with jogging up a steep hill made me think of a volcano (I speculated it was an OTIII related restim but this didn't go anywhere).
3) I became convinced I had a heart problem, that my heart was about to stop due to the `over' exertion of jogging.  A couple of mornings I was in severe pain just walking to the station.  T tried to make me see a doctor each time but I kept putting it off, saying I didn't want to be `opened up' and that surgery was butchery, etc.
4)  If it wasn't poison then it had to be a lung infection from the recent flu (which people had died of) because I couldn't breathe.  And/or asthma.
5)  A couple of times I told T that the pain I experienced while jogging would have been enough to kill some people (unfit, overweight people, etc)

However, each morning a T/assist brought some relief/results and I had no problem continuing the main Self Clearing program and getting my `usual' wins/results.

R - 16.2.3 What could sex be a substitute for/what could substitute for sex was an interesting process running for four pages of answers ranging from `nothing' (well, there's nothing quite like sex, after all) to `anything', in the sense that anything is better than nothing.  I realised/understood how torture can replace/substitute for sex, because they both involve strong/extreme sensation. I realised what `balance' meant as regards `bad' sensations (like stress, anger, etc) versus `nice' ones (like sex), and saw that I need to work towards a better balance in my life.  I saw that if one is lacking something (sex, money, whatever) then what one does have serves to substitute for the `missing' thing.  I overran this realisation for two pages before coming back to it.  I saw that the Incident 1 goal TO BE SENSUOUS is as valid (or invalid) as any other goal in this universe, and that any goal is a substitute for any other (failed) goal.  And in fact as I write this I now see that any sexual problem could be traced back to that failed goal, as any other problem in life could be traced back to its Incident 1 goal.  Finally I saw where I was and am sex-wise in relation to substitute, failed substitute, and even had (see scale).

16.3 Food and Eating

We have bodies that, on a mechanical basis, need to eat. Since the need is chronic, it is easy to build up must haves and can't haves in this area.

16.3.1 Mockup a way to waste desirable food

T - Food ends up as a waste product, so technically all desirable food is waste in order to perform its function.  It's not meant to sit on a shelf and look pretty, it's meant to be used as fuel for the body.  I don't obsess about food.  Even if I don't thoroughly enjoy a meal because of the taste, at least the food is carrying out its function.  When I was a child I didn't like peas, so I would waste them by putting a spoonful of them in my mouth, filling up my mouth with a glass of water and then exiting the table and spitting them into the toilet.  To some this would be a waste of desirable food.


a) visualize giving desirable food to another
b) visualize another giving desirable food to you
c) visualize another giving desirable food to others

T - The visualisations I came up with all centre around the happy emotions with food eg being offered part of another's meal, a cake in honour of someone else.  I can't think of a bad moment because of food, only the bad emotions behind it eg when I was a child I didn't like custard.  Once my mother gave me some so I threw it at the door.  It wasn't the food that was a problem, it was my reaction to it.


a) What could eating be a substitution for
b) What could substitute for eating

T -  Eating is a substitute for the fact that we should have bodies which don't need food to survive.  To me eating should be like exercise, you can do it if you want to but it's not compulsory.  I resent the fact that I have to keep feeding myself.  I enjoy food but it's such a trap in relation to time consumption.  My mother has a constant saying, `It'd be a much better place without food.'  I'd like to see that happen.  By now we should have vitamin-sized tablets which make our bodies believe it has just consumed a three course meal.  Instead we have ready-to-eat meals in packaging which harms the earth, containing so many preservatives and unknown ingredients that no-one is that concerned anymore.

Tuesday 13/7/99

R - Chest pain much improved but not quite gone.  Did some more OT touch assist with results directly continuing from those attained yesterday which I'm really reluctant to share. I'm a bit shy about this particular past life - it's somewhat incredible but here goes.  During this touch assist I recalled a death involving a volcano and Italy.  It suddenly made sense why I'd complained of smoke and steep hills and worrying that my heart would stop any second.  I `knew' this was the basic on my chest pain and I also now `knew' why it had been so difficult for me to confront.  It wasn't the actual death - any number of people have died in volcano eruptions, or on the Titanic, etc.  It was my identity that was incredible, unbelievable, unconfrontable.  So much so that I still can't reveal it at this time (T knows it - you can try asking her).  As soon as I acknowledged this particular identity then things fell into place.

(Update 5/8/99 - As I typed this up I decided to see what Encarta had to say about a volcano around that time.  Vesuvius.  AD 79 and Pompeii seemed right to me (but my recall suggested it was a deliberate explosion, an attempt (successful) to get rid of me and others like me who were no longer needed by those who really ran the show.  Encarta says it was an `explosion' but there was no lava.  Very interesting).  I'd told T it was the first time in my life I'd been physically UNABLE to run and said I felt I'd been poisoned by the smoke. (I didn't know about Vesuvius's poisonous gases till I saw it in Encarta when typing this up).  I recalled a boy drawing my image (before I was killed, obviously) and realised if `gods' (Greek, Roman, Egyptian, etc) really had existed then some of them would have ensured their images were accurate/flattering, whatever. Of course everybody knows gods are just `mythology' and never REALLY existed (you know, like the city of Troy was considered a `myth' till somebody found it) and all those temples and statues were, what, just superstitious whims?  Anyway, the after-death recall was of the body lying on its side covered in white ash - as in this photo (but from a different angle - I saw it from above after exteriorising and it wasn't with a bunch of other bodies, as I recall).

Okay, one final clue to this identity - I was described as and thought of myself as a Messenger. Some time prior to the death I recall being `retired' along with the others like myself. We were told we were no longer needed because `The System' was now in place and people no longer needed to be directly monitored because they now monitored themselves. Oh, and flying was therefore no longer necessary or acceptable. I agreed to all this and recall getting upset because some gladiator schools were slow to forbid the use of levitation skills in their training. If I was no longer allowed then NOBODY was. This all came out on the Pilot's Levitation Rundown.

Wednesday 14/7/99

R - 16.2.4 What sex could you accept/what sex could you reject ran for two pages of answers.   Some childhood recalls revealed the computation that nice looking girls must BE nice.  I didn't know they could be `nuts'.  This had caused some traumatic situations where I'd been attracted to girls who in fact didn't care about my feelings, or anybody else's for that matter, being oblivious to their effects on others.  My first thought was like, how can `sugar' get so contaminated?  Now I know there is no correlation between a person's looks and their level of aberration - I just wish I'd learned it sooner.  I now know that `spoilt' means ruined.  I saw how some (many) girls had been ruined and how I'd been ruined as a child.  Discovering this restored my power of choice of sex terminals (girls), resolving this chronic ruin.  I also saw how society works to make sex scarce (thus creating a demand) beginning with the very young through to adulthood, until many people go into apathy and lose interest or become so obsessed they do crazy things.

R - 16.2.5 Mock up crowds of sexually desirable bodies, etc, released a couple of strong sensations not from this lifetime.  It became real to me how good things had been earlier in my existence.  I then saw how an operation earlier in this life had caused my body to feel sexually `undeserving' , contributing strongly to the `ruin' covered in the previous process.

Continued straight on with 16.2.6 Spot desirable sexual flows & activities - connect/ disconnect, etc. for four pages of answers.  Sprang/released some `new' track incidents (ones not recalled in any previous processing) e.g. lower part of female bodies existing without need of upper part - a not uncommon male fantasy and a service currently provided (so I've read) in Japan's hole-in-the-wall boutiques.  And something I had seen before but didn't understand - two huge (a mile high? The scaffolding went below the clouds, all metal, not this planet) mechanical representations of a male and female organ.  The puzzle was why they were constructed so far apart.  Now I saw it was an implant.  One sees (therefore agrees with) these two organs so solidly fixed that (one believes/postulates) they can NEVER get together.  Unbelievably it was a contraceptive implant.  I've never read or heard about such a thing anywhere except from my own mind.  Then I recalled actually routing beings to this implant in the between-lives area in order to control populations.  (After blowing this implant I was able to actually see/recognise desire/invitation in the eyes of women in my vicinity - a new experience for me!)  This implant had been the basis of my inablity to `connect with' women.  An irony is this implant showed up years ago during routine metered auditing but only unmetered Self Clearing, in particular this process, has enabled me to properly deal with it.   Anyway, I now saw why I'd cried in kindergarten when made to sit next to a girl for the first time, why I'd been unable to get close to girls all my life, why I ran away from girls wanting to kiss me, etc. etc. etc.  You know, it's not that I'm gay.  I like girls but needed alcohol to get anywhere near them.  The implant had ruined my sex life with a Must have/Can't have and now I've got it back again.  Once again - thanks Pilot.

Thursday 15/7/99

R - Continuing chest pain due to recent flu so did more OT touch assist (process 1.3 -from chapter 1) with some interesting results including exposing an entity/b.t. with a`shroud' mock-up and a `muffled' voice (muffled telepathy, even!) and the idea of a leper colony in Bible times.  Process 38.4 didn't resolve him/it so put him through the Pilot's Incident 1.  This produced stomach somatics (which relieved the chest pain somewhat) and the realisation that immersing the head and/or boy in the baptism ceremony had its origins in us pushing each other into the `pools' of the Magic Universe.  It occurred to me that having it done this lifetime - as in baptism - may key-out one's original sin (overt) of pushing others into the pools, or help balance the flows somehow.  It also occurred to me it may be true one can only go free after first freeing/releasing all one's entities/bt's, spiritual fragments, that entities are involved at each stage of the way out, and that Ron didn't have ALL the Incident 1 data (and the Pilot does).  By this stage the entity/fragment had `blown' and I was yawning.  Just a reminder - we haven't used an e-meter since beginning Self Clearing because I wanted to know what could be done without one.

R - Okay, on with the next process 16.3.1 Mock up a way to waste desirable food.  Straight away I saw nature does this when fruit drops to the ground - then I saw in fact it wasn't wasted because birds, animals, insects eat the fruit and the seed has a chance to grow a new plant, etc.  In fact with microbes down to the smallest level NOTHING is actually wasted after all - it's all recycled.  I saw that waste was actually a viewpoint, which is quite profound, and good enough to qualify as an EP for this process.

R - 16.3.2 Visualise giving desirable food to another/visualise another giving it to you, etc. quckly gave me the viewpoint of a flow, rather than discrete incidents as I got a glimpse of Egyptians serving food to Roman troops thousands of years ago (mm, only seems like yesterday!). At that time I'd always ensured the men ate first, contrasting horribly with this life incidents of being accused of `greed' or other bad manners simply for reaching for a piece of food at a party or something.  Now I realised I was going effect of other people's problems/aberrations with food.  Some people go crazy when you mention McDonald's, for instance.

R - 16.3.3 What could eating be a substitute for, etc brought an interesting result after half a page of answers - I suddenly saw/recalled a corpse full of feasting maggots, which made me realise that eating is a substitute for being eaten.  Again in this universe (per Incident 1) `Only 1 will survive' so it is kill or be killed, eat or be eaten.


a) What desirable food could you accept
b) What desirable food could you reject

and then also run

a) What undesirable food could you accept
b) What undesirable food could you reject

T - I can now accept foods which were a problem when I was a child (eg bananas and pumpkin).  I've become more aware of fat contents in food eg yoghurt, dips etc, and I'm now able to reject desirable foods on this basis.  I realised anything becomes desirable if I'm hungry enough and that emotions play a big part in eating habits eg tone levels such as grief or boredom.  I can accept certain undesirable foods if it means my appetite is satisfied.  I am also not bothered if food is a touch raw or cold.  To me the most important thing is to feel full, not the taste.  I reject mushy peas or pea soup.  I have had a longstanding dislike with peas and now I realise why I didn't like green sweets while growing up (and still don't).  Same with me finding flavoured milk undesirable.  When we were younger Mum used to put an egg and sugar into our glass of milk, so now I won't touch milk that is flavoured.  Another undesirable food for me is frozen pizza because I was really sick after having one when I was young.

R - Gosh, T and I did the same process on the same day - doesn't happen often these days!  Okay, 16.3.4 produced a page of answers with no tangible result apart from recall of being given a poisonous meal as an alternative to the guillotine in France.


Now mockup huge amounts of extremely desirable food surrounding you. Begin with yummy but "degraded" food (whatever you think of this way) and gradually improve the quality. Push them into the body and throw them away as in 16.1.5 above

R - Really enjoy doing these `push it into the body' type of processes because by their nature they quickly exteriorise me from the body and provide practice at `operating' as a thetan.  Immediately noticed on the physical level one's eating is limited by the size of the stomach, but on the theta level one can keep shovelling it in till the cows come home. Obviously ONE reason for getting fat is a confusion about this. Then I discovered ONE food which I could not waste easily - pavlova!  But I `exploded' some until I finally COULD waste it and ended off for the day.

Friday 16/7/99

R - Continuing chest pain which is preventing me from jogging (very annoying as I enjoy keeping the body at a reasonable level of fitness) so I'm really concerned about it.  Why haven't the touch assists (process 1.3), entity handlings, etc. cleared it up?  Why don't I have the ability to heal a body instantly?  T of course keeps telling me to go see a doctor and I say it could be a heart or lung problem and I don't want my body cut open, etc.  Anyway, I again confronted the `condition' beginning with a write-up of my considerations about it.

Again this led to recalling past life stuff - this time of a sacrifice on an altar and then straight into some vampire stuff (which I won't go into because who would believe it but I thought I'd mention it in case anybody out there thinks they come up with weird stuff - personally I LOVE vampire films, books, etc.  Anyway, the point is does it help clear up the problem?) which produced some somatics, (tingling, strong stomach and chest pains, sore throat) emotions (despair, paranoia).  I then got a vivid impression/recall of being held down on top of a stone coffin by the throat, and impaled in the heart in true vampire fashion.  I've ALWAYS loved vampire books/films because I'm inspired by the alleged strength and immortality of `vampires' and at this point I realised (if any of this was `true') then the Incident 1 goal TO BE STRONG was the one I was dramatising then.  The planet wasn't earth, by the way. I eventually `failed' as a vampire and began to oppose them, etc.

Accepting what was coming up, various events in my life fell into place plus I realised where various vampire attributes stemmed from.  A stronger/freer being could simply `mock-up' a body, turn into a `mist', change shape, go through closed doors, etc.  Anyway, believe it or not.  I saw chains of overts/impalings I'd received, done to others, etc. and saw why the earth incidents (arrows, swords, stabbings, etc) I'd already viewed hadn't resolved previously.  They were sitting on top of this `unbelievable' stuff.  I saw how one thetan (in this case me) playing the `vampire' game could pass the aberration on to countless other beings who in turn would pass it onto others.  In other words I saw I needed to take responsibility (if this were not just pure imagination) for ALL possible impalings (including those of earth's Count Vlad) in order to resolve `my' chest pain.

(Update 8/8/99 - Swimming again this morning with T, jogging again last night, push-ups, sit-ups okay, knife-throwing, chopping wood for the fire, playing frisbee, etc.  The `chest pain'?  I finally went to see a doctor. He said nothing wrong with me, probably just `post-viral fatigue'.  For me the bottom line is not whether past lives are `real' or not, or whether I died in a volcano explosion at Pompeii in AD 79 (in August - just another co-incidence of course) and this had restimulated because of smoke from fires while jogging up steep hills with a flu virus.  The bottom line is that Self Clearing continues to be effective, even (especially?) in the face of severe illness.  It took a lot of touch assists, entity handling, incident spotting and persistence with little apparent result until finally being able to confront and resolve this key past life incident.  This incident opened the door to `earlier similars' which finally resolved it completely.)

R - Typing up the results of each process has been slowing our processing down considerably.  Also the diary gets further and further behind.  Currently I'm staring at a pile of `worksheets' about an inch thick.  So - my solution is to continue the diary but in a different format.  You can assume T and myself will continue to do each and every process.  We have long since learned great results can occur from a process we might have `skipped' as being `unnecessary' or `uninteresting', etc.  We have proved every single process has `worked'  thus far, so there is no logical reason why that pattern should not continue.  Therefore you can assume in the future every process has worked and produced good results for us until and unless we indicate otherwise.  Whoops!  I tell a lie.  T doesn't like doing `mock-ups' so she confessed to me she's being leaving those processes out usually.  I'm not going to push her though because she's doing so well in everything else.

So for myself I intend to post regular `wins' resulting from these processes, without going into great detail.  This will shorten each diary chapter, help keep the diary more up-to-date, and allow us to progress at a faster rate.  So far we have averaged one chapter per month.  The new format in theory could enable us to at least double that rate.  There are 50-odd chapters.  Ideally a chapter per week could create a super being in about a year.

Tue 20/7/99

R - Did `golden breathing' on train to ease slight chest somatic, which worked well.  Later, no attention on pains and able to do full day of SC.  Ended day with draft `Power' process to be done next session.

Wed  21/7/99

R - Reading about `Power' processing recently I felt I `needed' it but didn't want to start something which may interfere with SC so I mocked up a `Power' process based on the current chapter (MUST HAVE/CAN'T HAVE).  You'll recall a definition of Power is `The ability to maintain a position in space'.  On the train this morning I began `Visualise being moved against your will/moving another against their will', etc. I immediately thought of a bullfighter giving way to a bull, and in aikido giving way to an opponent, so this was `willing' to move/be moved.  Then I spotted a couple of incidents of being moved against my will (losing `my' seat, etc).  This led to my first major cog re `Power' - I realised I'd developed a MUST HAVE on maintaining a (my) location (`Musical Chairs' pushes this button). Obviously, then, one should be able to have or not have a location, at will.

I'd `felt' this first-hand with an aikido master who, demonstrating `Ki Power', was literally `unmoveable' by myself and could not be moved or lifted from the ground by five other black belts.  Plus there is film of Morihei Ueshiba, the founder of aikido, performing similar `impossible' feats of power.

Continuing (flow 2) I recalled driving a chariot (Egyptian) through a bunch of people, mowing them down.  I realised I was enforcing the goal TO BE RIGHT and being a totally unreasonable `bully'.  This led to various cognitions about making others wrong and also seeing how others dramatised this same goal, e.g. a boss at work, kids at school, etc. TOTALLY explaining WHY I'd gone so effect of the `bullying' behaviour of others.

Then, for no apparent reason, I suddenly understood the Pilot's Incident 1 goal TO BE SENSUOUS.  I saw for the first time that it was just another goal which hadn't been clear to me because of my reaction (distraction) to it in the opposite sex.  I saw the variety of reactions to it in other people.  Some worship it, others react with jealousy, envy, etc.  Also I saw how the `dumb blond' can arise where girls/women dramatise this goal exclusively.

(R - UPDATE Jan 2001 - I later discovered my `chariot' incidents trace back to helping CREATE that part of the Incident One implant. I then helped build the pyramid/s and other earth symbols in order to lure beings to earth)

Fri 23/7/99


A very interesting result from the Power process I mocked up and began recently is it came to mind I had an inadequate understanding of the word `lieutenant'.  Most of us know it's a rank in armies, navies, etc.  That's the common (glib) `understanding'. But, you know, what does `lieu' mean, and why do the English say `leftenant' and Americans say `lootenant', and how does `tenant' fit into it?  You know, what does the word MEAN?

(Also I discovered that awareness has to INCREASE to discover that a word IS misunderstood.  You have to actually COGNITE that you have an m/u and people outside the clearing field aren't capable of doing that.  In fact many within the clearing field aren't up to it and that's a basis for much of the conflict within it).

Two definitions of lieutenant in my dictionary are: `a commissioned officer ranking below a captain and above a second lieutenant' and `one who holds an office, civil or military, in subordination to a superior for whom he acts'. Significantly, the `lieu' is from the Latin `locus' meaning `place', and `tenant' is from the Latin `tenere' meaning `to hold'.

This is significant because my Power process was based on one of the definitions of Power - the ability to maintain a position in space.  Clearly a `lieutenant' has power because he is `holding the place of' a captain, for example.

Following some `Power' processing and clearing the word `lieutenant' I now understand why I've been unable to accept managerial type positions in life.  It's also more apparent to me that misunderstood words do indeed lie behind all inabilities.

Wed 28/7/99

R - A nice result from my PP is an awareness of being exterior to mest - not `within' it as my real self.  It's different to other mest extereorisations I've experienced before.  Yesterday I even came up with a process to consolidate/re-enforce it.  While breathing in you put your attention on your current or interiorised viewpoint, then while breathing out you mock up being exterior to mest.  It operates as a reach and withdraw, or touch and let go.  I also saw it as an alternative or a gradient approach to `Conceive a static'. It can be done anytime, anywhere.  It's like `Taking 5' as an OT.

My purpose was to adjust the balance of the `vagueness' of the exteriorisation compared to the solidity/reality of the body experience.  For a while I actually experienced being both `in' and `out' at the same time - sort of bi-located, an equal balance.  Eventually mest `won' but it's easy to recapture such experiences once you've been there and when all your attention is not required in physical universe tasks.

Sunday 1/8/99

T - Started the Universal Clearing Process today (where have you been, compare that place to where you are now, where might you be, compare that place to where you are now).  I came up with a win that I might be part of some critical mass.  I might have been dispersed and come down and my goal is to be critical (incident one).  I now have something that I'm good at.  This has made me feel better.

Wed 4/8/99

R - On train to work formulated theta process of reach and withdraw alternating on a) mest b) own universe.  Tedious but increased reality and separation of each.  Lots of yawning.  No increased visio or contact with mest but attained Know-point in each. Later in the day I did SC Appendix B Correction List and ran ARC X E/Sim re inablitity to be cause over mest with good results.  It occurs to me now it may be a case of actually being stuck/located in BLA (Between-Lives-Area) (in agreement/effect of various implants/mest) therefore out of ARC with
mest and therefore unable to be cause of it.

Thu 5/8/99

R - Despite 3 beers last night realisations continued this morning.  For example I realised the ability I now encompassed could be called Un-Ising.  This is not `undoing' except in an absolute sense.

I then decided to try it out on the train to work.  I recalled an implant incident (eons ago) and got the idea of `un-ising' it.  A few seconds later my attention came back to my body on the train but at a new level of awareness.  My awareness now encompassed that which powered the train.  I felt `myself' pulling/drawing the train towards its destination.  I told T what was happening, including the fact I'd learned from LRH that man didn't actually know what electricity was.

At that point I didn't know what electricity was either, but I knew I was (one with) that which empowered the train.  (As I write this I NOW see I'd finally achieved a long sought for goal, to BE mest, or CAUSE over it).  I also told T that I'd finally (it's a LONG sought after goal!) attained the ability to levitate, or at least to move objects to begin with. I couldn't go into it further at that time as we'd reached our destination and I had to operate in the physical universe I'd been used to.

Sunday 8/8/99

T - Have done some more UCP since last weekend, and continued today.  I came up with the fact that I've probably been a nun at some stage (seeking spiritual knowledge, not having regard to my physical appearance, always wearing black).

Tuesday 10/8/99

T - More UCP.  I thought of the concept of parts of a person being in different places ("a part of me died that day").  Some of me might be still overseas, at my brother's wedding, my father's funeral.

Friday 13/8/99

T - More UCP.  I  used to cut skin off from around my fingernails.  I don't know why I used to do this, however I remember I used to enjoy the sensation.  I realised that I'm suffering from my past actions (no responsibility then) with fingers which are always having problems around the nails with excess skin, hangnails etc.  I realise that this is what probably led to the wart around my left thumbnail, with me exposing it and constant picking.  I've thought maybe it's because I find skin so interesting.

Sunday 15/8/99

16.4 Work and Jobs

Although you might detest working, work and jobs are something that most people need to survive. Here we will use "work" in the process commands because it isn't always a formal salaried job. Housekeeping or going to school or doing charity work or simply having some role or task which one has undertaken and become responsible for are all included in this. Note however that we are aiming this at desirable work rather than drudgery or slave labor.

16.4.1 Mockup a way to waste desirable work

T - I came up with R's father and his garden work.  I have to be able to waste this work, which I enjoy, for the three months that he is here, so that he is able to have it.


a) visualize giving desirable work to another
b) visualize another giving desirable work to you
c) visualize another giving desirable work to others

T - I realised that any business is being given desirable work from others (we gave desirable work to a guy to come and install a ventilator on the roof - we're still waiting).  It seems desirable work is given to others if you don't find it desirable or possible.


a) What could work be a substitution for
b) What could substitute for working

T - For me the best answer is work keeps me from dwelling on problems and being depressed.  I agree that production is the basis of morale.

Mon 16/8/99

R - Felt generally depressed/effect most of weekend (because roof man cancelled again and/or videocam was struggle to setup?).  No, probably coming down from previous big win/s. Continuing Ch 16 yesterday, struggled to `waste' love/admiration till became aware already doing that and took a loss on it.  Later, during jog with T, had win - unrelated to the process but relevant to chapter - realised I had a compulsion/must have on problems.

Sore throat this morning so did OT T/assist on train with some improvement and various unrelated cogs.  At this stage it seems `cleared theta clear' was only a key-out.

Tue 16/8/99

R - Did 50 mins of `Not Know' on houses, fences, cars, etc. seen while on train going to work.  Decided to `exercise' Not Know after reading email of `Potential' on self clearing list recently.  Lots of effort required to counter strong feeling of not wanting to do it.  Continued through `effort band' (see tone scale) up to Mild Interest, so need to continue later. Later, did three more processes from Ch 16 over about 5 hrs and 15 pages of answers.  Great results including state of `Games Release'.

Wed 17/8/99

R - Continued `Not Know' on train this morning.  Up to Strong Interest now due to results including spotting huge postulate/effort to`not know' my brother`teasing' me (which made me cry and caused headaches as a kid).  I realised THIS is behind the `myopia' I've had since I was a kid.  Understand I've done MANY processes over MANY years to `cure' my short sight.  So I reserve the option to be wrong about this.  But with Potential's process I saw/re- experienced what I'd DONE on a theta level to Not Know the source of pain called `brother' and it's potential (excuse the pun) to ruin my vision.

Later, continued Ch 16 and began 16.6.5.  As soon as I began the process I had a realisation about mocking things up. When I saw that it extended to ANY thought I realised this was cause over life.  I then realised I'd attained the state known as released or keyed-out OT.

Tuesday 17/8/99


a) What desirable work could you accept
b) What desirable work could you reject

and then also run

a) What undesirable work could you accept
b) What undesirable work could you reject

T - I realise that each lifetime it's a case of desirable work being accepted/rejected.  I'm at this point in my life because I've rejected other work (eg I'm a typist, not a cleaner).  I'm also limited with other work that I can do.  I would have to study to get a "better" job.  I am able to reject what appears to be desirable work, however it's all part of unacceptable work, in the course of things.

Wednesday 18/8/99

16.5 Desirable Possessions

Here we want to run the kind of stuff that you really would want to have and perhaps can't have. This could be cars or stereos or fancy china or jewelry or whatever. If you have a strong desire for children or pets or even plants or some other special thing, then repeat this entire set of processes again using that. This can also be run on "beautiful things", with the emphasis on the aesthetics of the objects, especially objects of art.

16.5.1 Mockup a way to waste desirable possessions

T - I realised you can waste desirable possessions by having people influence your judgment on things eg I'm able to waste parts of the garden because of R's father and what he wants to do.  If I had a must have on things then this would lead to a ridge, because R's father has a must have on planting vegies.  I'm responsible for avoiding a potential ridge.

Thursday 19/8/99


a) visualize giving desirable possessions to another
b) visualize another giving desirable possessions to you
c) visualize another giving desirable possessions to others

T - Continued this process from yesterday.  I've been thinking what is a desirable possession to me because almost anything can be replaced that's physical.  I suppose some desirable possessions are non-physical.  The most desirable possession I have is knowledge.

Mon 23/8/99

R - Awoke about 3am and had a realisation about a process to address reality - `Get the idea others agree about ____' and `Get the idea others disagree about ____'.  On train this morning I ran it on mest versus my own reality and realised EVERYTHING has been done/made/put here without my agreement and experienced houses, buildings, etc. as if for the first time. Later, completed Must Have processes on `Winning tickets' and began processes on `Levitation'.  10 pages of answers with good results.

Monday 23/8/99

16.6 Love and Admiration

The desire for love and admiration is very basic to a being. Desires for fame and/or respect can also be run here.

16.6.1 Mockup a way to waste love and admiration.

T - To some degree love is wasted on a person who has a reactive mind and doesn't want to be responsible for his/her actions, because it's a continual minefield.


a) visualize giving love and admiration to another
b) visualize another giving love and admiration to you
c) visualize another giving love and admiration to others

T - People like John Travolta giving love to others through their work, or what they think other people will appreciate and enjoy.  I can see how love and admiration go hand in hand (in this particular example).  Because of the love flowing from someone like Travolta, then admiration is provided in exchange/return.


a) What could love or admiration be a substitution for
b) What could substitute for love or admiration

T - The desire to be loved or admired could substitute for love or admiration.  Actually the whole CDEINR scale could substitute for love or admiration (or anything else).

Tue 24/8/99

R - Did more general `Not Know' on the train to work with a number of realisations:

*  Much TR0 was done at Not Know though I didn't know it back then when I did so many hours of it.
*  Much meditation occurred `there'
*  I had a Must Have on Know and Can't Have on Not Know
*  People are punished for Not Know (Ignorance)
*  Realised Not Know was also referred to as `chaos'
*  Tarot card `The Fool' reflects Not Know

Wed 25/8/99

Further Not Know on train this morning, got through effort band with it and:
*  Experienced it as ability to `spot' things but upscale from Looking
*  Saw how it would lead to Know
*  Recovered a childhood memory where I'd operated at Not Know

Friday 27/8/99


a) What love could you accept
b) What love could you reject

and then also run

a) What admiration could you accept
b) What admiration could you reject

T - I suppose the right answer is I could accept love from anyone without condition.  I could accept a non-physical form of love from people.  I could accept some form of religious love if it was beneficial to me.


T - The world is obsessed with looks.  I'd rather have David Copperfield's magic ability than Claudia Schiffer's looks, although I can admire looks which are admired by others, such as models, as this is aesthetics and quite high on the tone scale.  You're not likely to admire a person because they're ugly, taking drugs, engaging in criminal activities etc.

Friday 27/8/99

16.7 Other Areas

If there is some other kind of thing that you feel compelled to have but can't seem to get, you can form a set of processes similar to the above to handle it. Fill in the blanks with the appropriate item.

16.7.1 Mockup a way to waste _____

(a good physique) - my choice of a compulsive item.

T -  I've realised if I obtained a good physique then what happens?  I'm still the same person, I just look better.  Doing this could possibly cause ridges with others (especially the unfit staff I work with) who would then see me as being "better" than them.  I didn't think of that before.  I'm happy to improve my physique but I'm not going to rub people up the wrong way.

16.7.2  Visualise giving a good physique to another, visualise another giving a good physique to you, visualise another giving a good physique to others.

T - The only way someone knows they have a good physique is through it being communicated to them (admiration), an affinity expressed, and a reality that everyone agrees with, which equals understanding (the ARC triangle).

Tuesday 31/8/99

T - I've been a little bit upset about a friend who didn't telephone me when she said she would, so I did the letter writing process from an earlier self-clearing chapter, and I feel a lot better about the situation, and can end cycle on it.

Wednesday 1/9/99

16.7.3 What could a good physique be a substitution for?  What could substitute for a good physique?

T - I should be considering my physique on a gradient scale of good.  It's not Arnold Schwarzenegger and it's not Chris Farley.  Also it has taken me a long time to get to the physique I have through reasonably hard work, so I should also keep that in mind.

16.7.4 What good physique could you accept?  What good physique could you reject?

T - I can accept sportspeoples' physiques because of the time they've put into their look.  I realise (obviously) that if I invested more time, energy, matter and space into my physique I would get an improvement.


R - This diary chapter is way too long.  Mainly because there's too much of me, me, me waffling on and on as usual and not enough T. Also because I went squirreling off, inventing and running my own processes, leaping ahead to other chapters instead of waiting till we got there in the ordinary course, doing the Levitation Rundown from Super Scio. I thought T doing UCP should get a mention because we tried it and had good results with it. Our
Self Clearing
experience is giving us the most thorough preparation possible for any future clearing project we undertake so there is no question about continuing.

R - Mm, thinking of this chapter's title - Must Have and Can't Have - I'd had a must have on being processed (with CoS) which of course was creating a can't have. I'm just realising Self Clearing totally handled this. I'm even creating my own processes - for myself and T - which work! I'd better stop now because I just keep getting more cognitions.

(End of Chapter 16)

Back to Diary Chapter 15

Diary Contents

On to Diary Chapter 17