Self Clearing Diary

'Change And No Change'

Our aim is to inspire others towards enlightenment via self clearing

To get better and to become more able, you have to be willing to change. But when things are going badly, and especially when the body is or might be hurt, a person tends to clamp down and resist changing to avoid getting worse. In other words, he tries to hold things in place. This may be appropriate to the circumstances at the time, but the person often keeps doing it afterwards, which makes it difficult for him to get better.

The Pilot's Self Clearing book - Chapter 13

(R - I do most of my self-processing at work while seated, operating machinery, which allows me to read, write, etc at the same time. So it's perfect for doing self-questioning type processes but not physical universe type processes which would cause others to query what I was doing. So I don't always do the processes in the order found in the Pilot's book. Process 13.2 for example wasn't done until 22/3/99.)

Wednesday 3/2/99


On a broader scale, the being is to some degree tending to hold everything still on an automatic basis to prevent harm and protect him from danger and he also tends to keep things from going away as a remedy for loss. The solution is to do consciously what you might be doing subconsciously. This is done in a manner similar to 13.1 but mentally instead of physically. Instead of changing the objects location, the third step would be to make it more solid. The commands would be as follows:

13.3a) Look around the room and select an object. Mentally grab it and hold it absolutely still. (do this 5 times).
13.3b) Look around the room and select an object. Mentally grab it and keep it from going away (mentally resist its efforts to move away by holding it back). (do this 5 times).

13.3c) Look around the room and select an object. Mentally grab it and make it more solid. (do this 5 times).


R - ran it for some hours -
1. Realised many things, including fact we have put objects on `automatic' with postulates/considerations that they remain absolutely still, won't go away, etc.
2. Again got reality that this (mest/objects) stem from early track thetan `games'
3. Experienced/felt the `tractor beam/s' I was creating by doing the process
4. Realised `wanting' is actual theta inflow, and refusal is actual outflow, and when strong they did/will move stuff/mest/objects
5. Once objects exist/are fixed in mest they can't go away without being as-ised
6. Recalled `welcoming' an object into mest from theta, joy at it being there to increase our havingness, like a `birth', the reverse of how it would be if we could now make it disappear
7. Realised Hold it still slowed down particles, reduced vibration rate so object couldn't remain in theta
8. Experienced reality on objects' solidity/thereness
9. Continued through `effort' and recalled early track `tug of war' with objects (I eventually lost!)
10. There was (back then) a reaction upon self, mocking-up objects causes oneself to be located, oneself to become solid - overts on theta/mest put self at effect
11. Realised process was making me do consciously what I was/am doing unconsciously
12. Ran out some losses (girlfriends, places, etc) as I did b)
13. Ran out some rejection (food as a baby) on c)
14. Realised as we cause objects/mest to persist through time we hold/trap ourselves there also
15. Realised the process was the opposite of as-ising
16. `Stillness' is only still relative to other mest. Viewed from the static it's racing

Thursday 4/2/99

R - Continued 13.3 for some more hours, on and off -
1. Regained ability to inflow
2. Realised we invest some of self in objects/mest
3. Realised had used these theta abilities this lifetime but not recognised it, e.g. putting a tractor beam on someone to `target' them for an angry response/serv fac
4. Realised putting attention on objects does make them more solid/real
5. Experienced increase of ability to inflow/outflow, really have something inside me (as a thetan), in my space
6. Experienced is-ness of objects
7. Lots of small cognitions led to idea that any action except as-ising objects/mest was ultimately an overt, with the consequence of (sooner or later) becoming effect of objects/mest
8. Realised I'd (eons ago) abandoned responsibility for creating objects/mest - now it's on automatic
9. Recalled I HAD been able to move objects without physically touching them - most recently in Merlin & Arthur's time and before that as a genie in Baghdad, believe it or not!

Friday 5/2/99

R - Began today by deciding to learn prepcheck buttons verbatim, to add to my repertoire. `Anxious About' caught my attention as I'd been anxious about something this morning and that annoyed me. It seemed unnecessary/ inappropriate/demeaning. Out of curiosity I `ran' the button (off the meter of course - as we do all our Self Clearing) spotting a number of occasions when I was Anxious About something - sparring higher grades in karate, job interviews, etc. As I spotted some childhood incidents I realised it was going earlier similar. Then suddenly I recalled mum taking me to kindergarten for the first time. As I realised the Anxious About was HER item it blew from me. This was the basic! Mum had enforced this on me in all dealings with life, people, the physical universe, e.g. using the toilet, getting ready to go out, going out, crossing roads, using public transport, meeting/talking/dealing with people, making decisions, etc. etc. This had been a chronic ruin for me since that time and it's an incredible relief to be rid of it! Wonder how many more emotions/items are not actually mine?

R - Now with ruds in I did 13.3 for a couple more hours, on and off -
1. Realised flowing attention units at object makes it more real/solid
2. Stopped `using eyes' to control object/s, more aware of just using (theta) beams (tractor beam, etc)
3. Got feeling I could easily crush object with intention/beams (and I won't rest until I actually can!)
4. Recalled unusual dreams from last night in which I realised I was blowing/discharging some entrapment implants, unsolveable puzzle/s causing postulates such as `There's no solution, no escape'
5. Realised object/s become anchor points, stable data, had power (ability to maintain position in space) given by viewer/thetan - we GIVE power to mest!
6. Thus giving away our own power - losing our space to mest
7. Flowing attention units at objects/mest may have encouraged entities etc to BE there
Unsure if process is flat or overrun. Will sort that out later.

Friday 5/3/99

13.4 Exterior Version

First repeat step 13.1 above, doing the drill physically. Then lie down and close your eyes. Imagine that you are looking down at the surrounding city or countryside. Spot objects that you would be willing to have and do the drill in 13.3 on them. You do not need clear vision or perception for this, just imagine or perceive as well as you can and grab the object mentally and hold it still etc.

R - After going back to complete some chapter 12 processes I finally returned to this chapter and began process
13.4. Only had time to do a few commands which was enough to realise that exterior I wasn't able to see clearly because I was worried about as-ising stuff, that I was not-seeing so as to have stuff. Then I felt I was getting `stuck' to objects so if they disappeared suddenly I would go with them because not big/strong/stable enough to hold location and hold them still.

Monday 8/3/99

R - Hard to get back into processing because of such great wins recently. Really blown out this morning reading
Creation of Human Ability (COHA by LRH) on train going to work. The book is a theta GOLDMINE of information and processes. I had skimmed through it years ago and dismissed it as the current `Bridge' seems to use only a tiny fraction of it. I read a couple of pages every morning now and arrive at work so keyed-out! This morning I read how CDEINR applies to the Know-Mystery scale, and started spotting things like enforced mysteries (clothing, walls, etc) for example.

Later continued 13.4 making three pages of notes for the approximately four hours of processing throughout the day. Firstly it keyed in an operation (age 11) for which I had been knocked out (exteriorised, as I discovered some years ago during processing) with gas. I realised the anaesthetist was `holding it still' (my body) and I was holding the somatic still (so as not to make it worse) and I realised the numbness (which I'd always thought was nerve damage) was also a result of my holding it still. Then I saw that seeing/agreeing with an event's is-ness (e.g. my operation) stops it from changing/as-ising which led to understanding what fixidity (see scale -27) was - because what I'd done with the operation was fix it in my memory.

Continuing the process I realised I was holding still (still had a tractor beam on) a property which we'd sold recently. Then I recalled an early memory of pushing a small boat which was stuck - I was worried about it getting away. Then I recalled a loss of an early girlfriend where I failed to stop her going away. Then I saw that moving a mental image picture makes it more solid. Then I saw (past life) an African grass hut blowing away in a storm. This made me realise mental pictures are a way to stop things going away completely, and that all my pictures were/are there to `keep it from going away'. When I continued I began to dope off so I realised I'd overrun the process. So there is the potential as-isness of all things, which would be the loss of all havingness/reality. To avoid this we make pictures of things and interact with those.

13.5 Change Process

We ran a very simple change process in chapter 7. Now we will do a more elaborate version.

13.5a) What would you be willing to change in another person.
13.5b) What would you be willing to have another person change in you.
13.5c) What would you be willing to have another person change in others.
13.5d) What would you be willing to have another person change in themselves.
13.5e) What would you be willing to change in yourself.

R - Produced four pages of minor cognitions without flattening. Realised mest/bodies/game will continue ad infinitum until/unless it's as-ised. Realised I was happy to change another's antagonism/hostility to fear/terror.

(Reminded me of the story of the Zen master who insulted an arrogant warlord provoking him to draw his sword in anger. As the blade came towards him the Zen master said `Ah, thus open the gates of hell!' which stopped the killing stroke. Then the Zen master said `Ah, thus open the gates of heaven!', at which point the warlord experienced the enlightenment he'd been seeking).

Then I saw that antagonism/hostility was a coming uptone for some people, so it may be okay after all. Also blew some charge to do with betraying groups and realised the importance of `Never withdraw allegiance once granted' , etc, (see
Code of Honour). Also realised that throughout the self-clearing I was actually EXPERIENCING so many of the processing concepts and basics I'd read about over the years. Instead of just knowing-about them, second-hand, I was able to know them (see tone scale). (For instance I actually recently recalled postulating my own beingness (see The Factors, number 2) In fact, processing could be viewed as putting one's attention on an area of life (confusion, aberration, ability, etc) until one KNOWS it.

Wednesday 10/3/99

13.6 Change and Control

13.6a) What must be changed
13.6b) What must not be changed
13.6c) What can you leave uncontrolled
13.6d) What can you control comfortably

R - Before starting 13.6 I noticed I'd already experienced a beneficial change as a result of this chapter - I realised I'd lost a `must-have' on being/doing/having, and that one needs the freedom/ability to change if one is not to be trapped in/by mest. Then I recognised this process would lead someone through Need of Change (-4) (see scale) and Demand for improvement (-3). Then I did 13.6 and realised immediately I hadn't wanted my eyesight to get worse (-5), nor a relationship when I was younger, nor some jobs I'd had, etc. Then I realised I could leave unchanged anything/anyone already controlled, providing a fantastic illusion/feeling of freedom because it was only then necessary to control oneself. Which mimics the static which is leaving EVERYTHING uncontrolled or on automatic pilot. I quickly overran the process then rehabbed the realisation that if one could leave EVERYTHING alone/uncontrolled then one could leave the mest universe.

Thursday 11/3/99

13.7 Recall

There are 4 processes here, each with two commands.

13.7.1a) Recall changing something
13.7.1b) Recall stopping something from changing
13.7.2a) Recall another changing something
13.7.2b) Recall another stopping something from changing
13.7.3a) Recall society changing.
13.7.3b) Recall society resisting change.
13.7.4a) Recall changing yourself
13.7.4b) Recall stopping yourself from changing

R - Did 13.7.1 for three pages. Started with recalling changing underwear this morning back to changing people with implanting, realising changes were actually changes in/of reality. When I continued I noticed I was skipping flows (recalling how water changed to ice, for example). Actually, as I write this I suspect that as/being the mest universe then of course I would be causing such changes. Anyway, I acknowledged that `changing reality' was the highlight of doing this process and summarised that
1. We postulate/decide something
2. We communicate our idea to someone (let's go see a movie!), or directly to mest (e.g. switching on a light)
3. Reality changes
4. Therefore we are/can be cause over reality
Then I realised a light switch represents a prior reality/agreement, the potential change in reality is pre-postulated.

Then did 13.7.2 Recall another changing something/stopping something from changing and becoming dopey after three pages without spotting the EP. As I review the first page of my notes it is clear I discovered that others cause changes in reality by obtaining MY agreement. For example I failed to pass my brown belt karate grading the first time, deliberately sabotaging it so my instructor had to fail me, because I KNEW he wanted to upgrade me whereas I'd decided I wasn't ready for it. So without my agreement the reality failed to change. Of course agreement/reality can be enforced so simply disagreeing with something may not prevent it from happening, as I discovered when I recalled levitating (a long time ago) then losing the ability when a group (I've labelled them `gravity patrol') came along and one of them postulated I should agree with the rules (e.g. of gravity) like everyone else. As I type these notes I realise the EP is that others can be cause over or change reality and that I can be effect of it, experience/have it, etc. Also there is the factor of not being effect, not being changed, such as when a parent smacks a child and the child does not agree to be effect. In which case the parent receives the effect of their own cause and their hand receives the pain. The same thing applies when you punch a brick wall.

Then did 13.7.3 Recall society changing/resisting change for three and-a-half pages. I recalled riots, fashion, the hippie 60's, the effects of drugs, etc. and ran straight back into the `gravity patrol' of the previous process who were actually changing/shaping society way back then. I realised I had a HUGE crashing (literally - I fell from the sky) misunderstood word - `rules'. I'd considered I was above the rules (of the mest game) and was forcefully made to agree with them. After that incident the rules ruled me. Before that I was above/beyond the rules. That's a basic reason why I experience charge/get upset when I see OTHERS disobey the rules. I was overwhelmed by the leader of the gravity patrol and went into his valence. I subsequently went on a campaign to stop others flying/levitating until even the Roman/Greek gods were stopped, thus ushering in a new order. Defying gravity was thereafter forbidden (until the Wright Brothers built machines to do it - which caused many people to faint with shock, such was the forbidden nature of the concept). I then saw how society with its fixed beliefs/group think automatically suppresses the individuals comprising it. They are not allowed to venture beyond the common agreements/reality of society/knowledge/science which is therefore resistive to any change/s. I then saw that society must become more and more solid/fixed/mest because it can only change AWAY from freedom/theta/creativity.

My personal big win on this process was rehabbing (again, it keeps coming up) the purpose to fly/levitate. I now understand it much better as the desire to overcome the rules, to become cause over mest (again). I saw that just as one can break the rules (cheat, if you like) of Monopoly one should be able to break/surmount/disagree with the rules of the physical universe. There may be penalties - I'm not saying it's good or bad to break the rules. But I'm sure as hell saying it must be possible. Because I can actually recall doing it in the past then half the battle is won. Who said `What the mind of man can conceive it can achieve'? Anyway, I see the `way out' (of mest) as being pan-determined about the rules of mest, including gravity. And there are plenty of examples of people achieving such things. The Vatican acknowledges that St Francis of Assisi levitated (I read somewhere that 30 other Catholic monks did also.) Apparently this was the basis for the Flying Nun TV series. The history of yoga includes many levitating/flying yogis. Then there are the Arabian genies, flying carpets and so on. And of course most of the Greek and Roman gods. Finally I saw if one can overcome/as-is any counter postulates (such as from a gravity patrol) and proof oneself against potential counter postulates, one should be able to assume cause over gravity, for example. After all, `gravity' must be somebody's postulate originally which we've now all been changed to agree with.

Sunday 14/3/99

R - Wow, it's hard to believe we started this diary one year ago today! Only noticed it because I was editing earlier chapters, so we completely overlooked it at the time. One observation to be made is that we average one chapter of
Self Clearing per month.

Tuesday 16/3/99

R - Did 13.7.4 Recall changing self/stopping self changing for eleven pages without completing it to my satisfaction so I'll do some more next time. Meanwhile I discovered the following -
1. It was my resistance to being changed which led to my downfall in the above `gravity incident'
2. Experienced innumerable changes due to processing but it's often three steps forward, two steps back
3. Processing changes are improvements, all others (ageing, etc) are deteriorations
4. Realised I had/have deep (ancient- from implants, etc) resistance to change
5. Realised I have attitude/s to change (why should I - type of stuff)
6. Realised must have permanently changed self at start of track in order to get persistence
7. Spotted LOTS of changes/stopped changes up and down time track
8. Lost ability/freedom to change after theta pole trap incident - stuck at Fear of Worsening?
9. Realised service facsimile/s kick in when I lose willingness to change
10. Became aware that stops in life from others were caused by their implants
11. Most (all?) of my overwhelm in life was because of very basic ARC/agreement with others/mest/mockups

Thursday 18/3/99

R - Experiencing some very good wins/realisations recently. For instance this morning reading Creation Of Human Ability on the train rehabbed a recent win of realising NOTHING in the physical universe is important. What I glibly overlooked before, however, was myself/body/viewpoint. If those can be included then there's no longer a reason to be here/exist. Also reading COHA I learned the connection between importance and games. One assumes that importance/s are inherent in things/games etc, but the truth (obviously) is importance/s are assigned (by ourselves/others)

Another big win occurred at work yesterday. I kept getting stuck in failed help (see pre-have scale) with some colleagues over the years. I am WELL able to help others. The problem was never mine at all though I always assumed it was. It was only with the understandings gained from this chapter on change that I realised THEY were unable to change/improve, unable to accept help, etc, and I had never been able to accept that fact. Although they pass for `normal' many such people would actually be diagnosed today as `learning impaired'. This realisation came with much relief and amazement!

Continued 13.7.4 for nine more pages of answers. After three pages I realised at start of track I stopped myself changing back to static, changed self by moving in space, so must have been changing ever since to avoid as-isness. That led to realising I'd postulated being effect so as to change self so as to stop changing mest. So ironically I had to be effect to be cause over staying/being here. Couple more pages and I realised I refuse/d to change if ARC is missing, that force makes me resist/ridge. And that makes ME want to use force to change others. Then I saw that full CAUSE is actually a degree of EFFECT in that there would be no resistance to being effect, would be willingness to be/do/have any effect/s/changes. Then I saw that all manifestation was either change or stopped change, and that internally I was constantly/chronically changing (thoughts/mind/attention), and that all past thoughts/observations were internalised/mirrored by me. Then I saw that regret is trying to reverse time (sequence of events) after all, as Ron said. Then it became obvious that freedom = freedom/ability to change and saw that I needed to learn to waste mest, and need to remedy my scarcity of universes (Only aware of the three universes but there could/should be an infinity of them).

As I continued the process I saw the goal of the mest universe is to put me/you/us at created (see havingness scale) and has mostly succeeded as most people will tell you they are a product of this universe. Which is ironic because we created the universe. Then I saw that birth is a restimulation/dramatisation of this `created' viewpoint. Then I saw that learning often occurs as a series of stopped changes (when I taught myself a difficult dive I increased my body angle by about 20 degrees each attempt until I landed flat on my back - which hurt like hell - and then I was able to do it perfectly) (which also validates LRH's gradient scale theory). When I saw I could only have/handle small changes I acknowledge my inability to tolerate big changes. Then I realised I was unwilling to change in case I deteriorate - and recognised this as the Fear of Worsening (see -5 on awareness scale), and spotted/blew some life ruins (see -7 on scale) resulting from changes, which blew/resolved an identification/A=A that change=ruin. Realised probably overrunning process by page 9 and rehabbed above wins.

Friday 19/3/99

13.8 Change/Unchanged

13.8.1a) What could change you
13.8.1b) What would leave you unchanged

R - Did 13.8.1 for six pages of answers. After three pages I realised everything/anything could change me - I was potential effect of everything (a thought, word, sight, sound, etc). I was changing constantly, therefore always have (since beginning of track), therefore continuously deteriorating - at least until began processing this lifetime. The game now is to continue changing for the better. Anyone familiar with the ethics conditions will recognise that if a condition is not improving (e.g. one's spiritual condition) then it is deteriorating. Life is change and if you don't/can't/won't change it for the better then you must get worse. It is well known that nothing stays the same. Therefore there is only either improvement or deterioration. There is only up or down. All else is only wishful thinking, delusion.

13.8.2a) What could you change
13.8.2b) What would you leave unchanged

R - Went straight onto 13.8.2. After two pages I recalled postulating matter and energy being stronger than me (a very early change), eventually leading me to search for answers within/from the mest universe. I realised I had allowed/elected the physical universe cause and myself effect, and then got the reality I was on a/the path to reverse that situation/condition (as per the 8-8008 formula).

13.8.3a) What could change others
13.8.3b) What would leave others unchanged

R - Then 13.8.3 for one page of answers further developed above realisation. If others were not changing then they would as-is. Because man does not know how to improve his individual spiritual self then he will continue to decay. It was difficult in Buddha's time to attain enlightenment. Now we have clearing/processing it is comparatively easy, yet the average human today is barely able to recognise this salvation, therefore relatively few attempt it.

13.8.4a) What could you change about yourself
13.8.4b) What would you leave unchanged about yourself

R - 13.8.4 ran for five pages of answers. Some interesting stuff, e.g. a change of abandoning the ability to levitate when the Emperor slaughtered a whole village as retribution against our temple. This was a graphic example of being forced to change/agree (and also explained my enthusiasm for kung fu/shaolin movies, the Carradine Kung Fu series, etc). As I continued the process it became more obvious how I'd changed/reduced my theta abilities to near zero because of suppression/coercion from others and mest. As LRH said, we agreed, and agreed, and agreed, and we're still getting punished! Then my service facsimile/s were exposed with thoughts/postulates like `If I DO change then it's permanent - look what you've done to me' and `There's no turning back' (because time rules okay), `One day they'll pay for what they've done' (they'll be accountable), `If that's what they want then I'll destroy/abandon that ability, control, area, reduce my reach/spage', and so on.

Of course all this renewed my hope/belief that it can all be undone. Then I saw that in my reality (from my perspective/ viewpoint) mest had won the game of theta versus mest. (As I type these notes from last week I also now realise I was unwilling to lose that game and resisted all the way!) (down!). Now I saw that in fact it is okay for theta to win. I became aware I had betrayed theta and caved into mest/force when I shouldn't have. It was in fact treason (see ethics conditions) on my seventh dynamic when I chose to agree with mest, etc. So basically this process allowed me to review some bad changes, thus paving the way for future improvement.

Sunday 21/3/99

R - Because T has done no processing since January we discussed the situation in a new unit of time and I got her agreement that the Repair List (Appendix B) was the best thing to do. I went through each item on the list asking if it applied to her in connection with self clearing. We cleared up a number of ARC breaks to good results, and handled some charge on `learning' by tracing it earlier similar, and so on. I ended the repair after sharing a good belly laugh with T about a couple of her childhood incidents to do with study, and her agreement she felt okay to continue self clearing if she had more help/supervision from me on the physical universe type processes.

In the evening over a couple of beers I raved (talked with enthusiasm) to T about how mankind had agreed they only used 10 percent of their brain/capacity/potential. As I said this it suddenly became clear to me why such people generally had no interest/understanding of clearing/processing. You see, even their 10 percent is mest. The average human being is so identified with his body and the physical universe he cannot imagine/comprehend anything beyond that. If he alludes to the spirit at all he says he HAS a spirit. He cannot comprehend that he IS a spirit because he KNOWS he is a body, which is a lump of meat. Therefore even the 10 percent he credits himself with is tied up with mest/matter. He has NO spiritual awareness so the other 90 percent is beyond his ken, obviously, because it is in fact spirit.  

The `Fifty-One percent' solution

Based on the human agreement that we rarely use more than 10 percent of our total brain/capacity/potential then the following becomes obvious. Upon considering LIFE in terms of theta versus mest, or spirit versus matter, anyone able to do regular self clearing must be operating on at least a capacity of 51 percent of their total potential. Because if they don't have time to do a process then the physical universe is winning. If they believe they need but cannot afford a professional practitioner then the physical universe is winning. If they find the processes too difficult to do then the physical universe is winning. If they cannot see why self clearing is important then the physical universe is winning. (Interestingly, further extending their own logic, if humans operate at 10 percent of their capacity to think/reason, etc, then there must be 90 percent unreason/entheta).

Conversely anyone doing a clearing process to a result is manifesting sufficient spirit/thought/self to overcome the mest universe to that degree. Therefore they must be operating on at least 51 percent in terms of theta versus mest. I have long sought a standard against which to measure spiritual progress. The Grade Chart has been magnificent and if it is seen as a spiritual road map (with the awareness scale as an oil gauge) then the 51 percent solution could be the speedometer. (The analogy could be extended to include obstacles and road blocks (misunderstood words), mountains (too steep gradients), etc.). Self Clearing then is a 51 percent solution to the current problem known as homo sapiens. As the best of them rarely operate beyond their 10 percent I can see why so few are involved in clearing.

Again, thanks to the beer, I was able to counter T's remark that I sometimes seemed obsessed with the self clearing. I said that anyone not interested in clearing was betraying their own obsession with mest. Clearing, spiritual recovery, etc would be meaningless to someone stuck in (in full agreement with) mest. Because the majority of the human race is and has been in this condition since long before recorded history then they are quite blind to their own obsession/condition/ entrapment and therefore see those who are spiritually awakened/oriented/aware/active/motivated/enthused as `obsessed'.

Monday 22/3/99


Now we will do a similar drill, holding on to the body, etc.


a) Using your hands, grab your left leg and hold it absolutely still. Let go of it. Then grab the right leg and hold it absolutely still. Do this back and forth 5 times.

b) Using your hands, grab your left leg and keep it from going away. Let go of it. Then grab the right leg and keep it from going away. Do this back and forth 5 times.
c) Using your hands, grab your left leg and move it up and down. Let go of it. Then grab the right leg and move it up and down. Do this back and forth 5 times. Repeat

R - Following yesterday's repair session T and I did a couple of processes together, starting with 13.2 Holding the body. The first process 13.2.1 focused on the leg. Normally I may perhaps have run this longer, but T had a win after only one set of commands so I was happy to end off and rehab the fact I'd run out some numbness (from my operation at age 11) on the first couple of commands.

T - My leg went into spasms when being held. Realised on the third part "grab your leg and move it up and down" that my leg is just meat and separate from the mind.


Now do the same process as above on your arms. In this case, use your right hand to grab your left arm, and then use your left hand to grab your right arm, alternating back and forth doing "hold it absolutely still", then "keep it from going away", and finally "move it up and down".

R - With 13.2.2 focusing on the arm some pain from an old martial arts inujury to my shoulder came off so I was happy with that result also.

T - Felt very detached from my arms, they lacked importance and even looked dead. They could have been someone else's. R mentioned that "detachment' is on the awareness scale (at -19). This gave me more reality and I realised that detachment is a whole emotional level eg feeling detached from other people and life as well as feeling detached from myself.


Now do the same process alternating your head and stomach/abdomen. In other words, you grab your head with your hands and hold it absolutely still, then grab the stomach and hold it absolutely still repeating this 5 times back and forth. Then do "keep it from going away". Finally, move it by moving your head back and forth (with your hands) and pressing your stomach in and releasing it. Note that this last process will sometimes help relieve a headache.

The general technique can also be used as an assist to aid in healing an injured area. In that case, you work with the injured area and the exact opposite side (or head/stomach as above). But on the "move it" step, do not move the area in any harmful way, simply find some safe and gentle thing that you can do to assert your control over the area. In general, when one is hurt one often tries to hold the area completely still and one often goes much to far, keeping the area still on an automatic basis long after the need has passed. There is also a tendency for the being to clamp down on the body and "keep it from going away" on an automatic basis because the harm or danger can make one afraid of losing the body.

R - Alternating head/stomach exposed a number of incidents from past lives. These included a guillotining (My first poem at school was about Madame Guillotine and the French Revolution and was put into the school magazine, also I recall being a fencing master back then, etc), and some disembowellings (some intentional - hara kiri - and some unintentional such as a bayonetting on a battlefield and a knifing in a street). My body was more relaxed - especially my neck - after spotting/acknowledging these things so I left it at that. I made a mental note to use this process to handle somatics in the future.

T - I didn't like the pressure on the sides of my head whilst holding it, with a feeling of my head being squashed in a vice. I felt that my head could be removed and the mind would still function. I didn't expect to feel this sensation and was happy to end off on that win. I realised this is also a connection to the detachment as above.

T - I began this chapter earlier in the year, only completing 13.1 Objective Change. (a) I found keeping something still actually difficult to begin with. I applied too much force and the objects subsequently would tilt or sway. R reminded me that incorrect estimation of effort = wrongness. I therefore discovered that to hold something in place took little effort.
(b) To keep an object from going away requires control, as I discovered. I almost throttled the first object to keep it from moving. I then realised that all that was required was my hands cupping the object (ie assuming full control). When I was younger I was not able to control our pet rabbit. I had a fear of being scratched/hurting it, and I held it very gingerly at arms length, instead of holding it closer to me, eg in my arms. (c) I enjoyed moving objects around. As soon as I zeroed in on a place to move it to I could remain focussed and the decision to move it didn't contain any charge. As per the Pilot's example, "especially when the body is or might be hurt, a person tends to clamp down and resist changing to avoid getting worse", when I run into things or stub my toes, R suggests that I perform a contact assist.  However, I tend to endure the pain rather than risk a process that may improve it.

I'd like to mention that I haven't been depressed for a while (about a month or so). One thing I realised is that keeping busy helps me to remain happy, and I therefore don't have time to concentrate on bad things, as I used to do regularly. Another thing which has been of assistance during this time is a sense of hope when hearing of R's wins, even though I haven't been doing processing myself. Hope is at -2 on the awareness scale, the level below help. I am able to embrace help more than I used to, and will keep endeavouring to do so.

Sunday 28/3/99

13.5 Change process (see above)

T - I began this process yesterday but wanted to do a little more on it today. I feel that another person changing themselves is barely possible. I understand R's passion with self-clearing a little more as I couldn't change myself for the better so he did (with his scn capabilities). Also, I realised that a willingness to do anything does not necessarily equal the ability to perform eg I am willing to perform self-clearing, however I confessed to R that my main reason for doing it is keeping onside with him. There is a gradient scale of change, as I recently realised there is with everything (small change could be looking up words in a dictionary, large change could be attitude adjustment). R told me last night about "fishing for a cognition". We agreed that my emotional state has improved dramatically over the last two months. We pinpointed these reasons for the change:
1) lack of suppressive people around me ie I am not PTS (potential trouble source);
2) R's wins rubbing off on me as well as scn theory making more sense to me (now it's just a case of putting it into practice);
3) production, especially my 5th dynamic involvement.

Today when our backyard sparrows came to me for food, I had a strong feeling of God-like proportions, which I hadn't felt before.  I felt very happy and free.

Monday 29/3/99

13.6 Change and Control

(a) What must be changed
(b) What must not be changed
(c) What can you leave uncontrolled
(d) What can you control comfortably

T - What must not be changed is usually decided by the majority eg politics, decisions involving society.  What must not be changed is again a society decision eg models have to be beautiful, that racism is bad.  Things such as day/night, sun/moon, earth/sky must not be changed.  Man is holding all of these things in place.  The existence of mest is not changed but is changed in the line of progress eg a house is built, then torn down to build townhouses.  There is something left over ie rubble.  I also considered death, where the body degenerates but the bones remain.  I am able to control what affects me (eg job) buy I can't control weather, other people, time, television, traffic, etc. 
I can control my first dynamic but not other dynamics.  Remembered that control = start/change/stop, which helped me realise how the process worked.  Today I went back into ARC with a person in authority, with whom I'd fell out with last week.  My work was also complimented by my supervisor (this is a rare thing);  she advised me that my paperwork is "neat and easy to follow".  Coming home I had no trouble with a dog that usually comes at me.  When I arrived home there were problems facing my family (car requires a new motor, remote control for television stuck on one channel).  My input wasn't sought for these problems, which don't affect me, but which have in the past.  I felt as though I was above this level of importance.

Thursday 1/4/99

13.7 Recall

(a) Recall changing something
(b) Recall stopping something from changing
(c) Recall another changing something
(d) Recall stopping something from changing
(e) Recall society changing
(f) Recall society resisting change
(g) Recall changing yourself
(h) Recall stopping yourself from changing

T - I realised that change is not a bad thing, but it can lead to complications.  It can be sudden (telephone call that my father was in hospital/diagnosis of terminal illness/death within six weeks).  It can be drawn out (staff from another floor utilising our space while their work area is refurbished).  Change can be permanent (loss of a close relative).  It can be temporary (a staff member going on secondment).  It can lead to an improvement (change of accommodation).  It can lead to a degeneration (peer group influence leading to drug taking).  Change seems to be most readily embraced when there is little or no alternative (eg committing an offence leads to a criminal history, change in financial situation, attitude of family and friends, accommodation if conviction leads to a gaol term).  I was very happy with this process, being able to break "change" down into so many components.

Saturday 3/4/99

13.8 Unchanged

(a) What could change you
(b) What could leave you unchanged
(c) What could you change
(d) What could you leave unchanged
(e) What could change others
(f) What could leave others unchanged
(g) What could you change about yourself
(h) What could you leave unchanged about yourself

T -  The answer which surprised me the most was "the reactive mind" for (f).  (I don't usually give what I consider to be meaningful responses).  I realised that change is all about choice.  You can allow yourself to change, you can allow yourself to be changed, you can allow yourself to change others, others can allow themselves to be changed.  An answer which I gave for (c) was "anything", however I realised that I am limited in what I could change.  I am not able to change the physical universe, for example.

R - In lieu of a summary for this chapter I refer you to the 51 percent solution above.

End Chapter 13

Back to Diary Chapter 12

Diary Contents

On to Diary Chapter 14