Self Clearing Diary


If we inspire others to do clearing work then we have achieved our aim

To be helped, you need to be willing to give and receive help. But help is often abused, being used as a control mechanism and a means of dominating others. Even when help is given freely without strings attached, it sometimes fails and the usual foolish tendency is to accumulate the weight of the failures without balancing them with the successes. Because of the altruistic nature of true help, it is also a useful way to push through the barriers that you build up as you engage in conflicts with others. If you can find ways to help your enemy and for your enemy to help you, you can break down the barriers of hatred that keep you at war.

Here we are going to emphasize the positive side and use that to push through any weight of failures. We have been around for a long time and we haven't always failed even if recent times look grim in some cases. And we will use general rather than specific targets because you have often engaged in the same game over and over again and we do not wish to narrow the scope to the current situation. In other words, we want to do things like considering helping a parent rather than limiting ourselves to your specific parents in this lifetime because you have often gotten into the same kind of games with different parents over the course of many lives.

And we are only going to consider how you COULD help others or others COULD help you. There is no insistence that you do help, because true help must be given freely without pressure or strings attached. It is not a duty or a remedy for guilt (using it that way is one of the reasons it often fails). But by considering how you could help, you will blow out the barriers of hatred, failure, and control and become free of much mental charge and difficulties. And then you can think freely and make your own choices in the area. These are simple repetitive processes with alternating commands. Just keep doing the commands, spotting ways that you could help. The answers don't have to be perfectly logical, just whatever you can think of.

As you run a process like this, you are often pushing through forces which are not immediately obvious from the processing command. As these come into view and dissipate, one can often have very interesting realizations. This is the most desirable result of running a process, namely that you push through some kind of force or resistance and then, because the force is now out of the way, have a realization as a result. These sudden realizations are called "cognitions" in Scientology because one has become cognizant of something new.

If you have a cognition (sudden realization) while running a process, it generally means that the process is complete and you should give yourself a pat on the back. And note that there are relative truths. Something may be true in a specific case or a limited frame of reference even if it is not broadly correct. And some truths are stepping stones to higher ones. These things are not absolutes although they often seem that way when you first realize them. So don't invalidate these things when you notice exceptions, simply take a broader view and see what areas they do or do not apply to.

The Pilot's Self Clearing book - Chapter 12

Friday 1/1/99

R - Well, what a start to the new year! I had wondered if my recently acquired ability to heal was exaggerated or would evaporate or something, but today's success indicates otherwise. And because healing is help then it is not inappropriate to carry over my wins from the previous chapter.

I awoke in the morning with my usual attitude of `What's to be done today' or, more accurately, `What dynamics and/or parts thereof should I focus help on now?' because there has been so much to do moving into the new house (replace faulty taps, tend dying plants, cut extra keys, clean floors, assemble beds, unpack boxes, obtain phone connection, power, water, arrange leasing of the now vacant home unit, etc, etc, etc).

Anyway, the first thing that came to mind was my mother's chronic `bad back' and other problems which I have attempted to handle previously with touch assists and nerve assists. She was not overly impressed with these then last year I persuaded her to try acupuncture and she was quite happy visiting `Dr Robert, Chinese doctor' each week. Again, however, relief was only temporary.

I should explain that mum and dad come from overseas each Christmas and stay for three months, basically to escape the cold weather there. One of the major considerations involved in T and myself selling one of our two-bedroom units and buying a three bedroom house with `granny flat' was to facilitate their annual pilgrimage as well as provide gardens which my dad loves to work in. In fact as I write this he is out there now, happy as a kid in a sandpit.

Well, yesterday I  told mum I wanted to try `spiritual healing' on her and put my hands on her shoulders using what I'd learned in the previous chapter. After a couple of minutes she said she could `feel it working'. I maintained the intention to turn any `black' energy areas `white' and ended off when she said it was good. I was amazed at her validation of this as she is basically not a positive person and is very anti-Hubbard/Scn.

Flushed with success I tried a hands-on healing with dad. I don't even remember what his complaint was but this time I clearly felt energy going into his body. Minutes after his session he announced `That was good - brilliant!' Again I was astounded at the quick results, especially after years of arduously giving touch assists and nerve assists as a CoS staff member.

So, back to this morning. As I lay there in bed I decided to do some more healing on mum. Using 11.5 Healing from the previous chapter I mocked up a remote viewpoint above her body which was lying in another room. Intending any black energy to turn white I perceived a triangle of black energy in her right wrist and also felt a corresponding pain in my right wrist. I was unable to heal this particular energy after cleaning up pockets of other grey/dark areas and decided to ask her about it later.

After breakfast I told mum I'd done a remote healing on her in the ten minutes or so before she'd gotten up. She said that she had generally been getting better since I'd first started the healing. When I asked her if she'd ever hurt her right wrist she told me all about a `bad finger' in that hand which the doctors hadn't been able to fix. I again (after acknowledging, of course) asked about the right wrist and this time she said yes, when she was 12 she'd had a `greenstick fracture' of the right wrist, had to wear a sling, etc.

It occurred to me that any pain in the right hand, including her chronic finger pain, was obviously not going to go past the black triangle of energy that had been locked into her wrist since age 12, and would continue to do so until it was cleared up. I had a number of other realisations about energy/healing etc. and did a further hands-on healing on mum, noticing this time some dark energy areas actually came through a spectrum of colours from black, especially through grey, green, and red as they lightened up in accordance with my intention to turn them white. (As I write this I realise this is another aspect to being cause over mest which is something I've always wanted).

Sunday 3/1/99

12.1 Willing to Help

12.1a) Who or what would you be willing to help?
12.1b) Who or what would you be willing to have help you?
12.1c) Who or what would you be willing to have others help?

T - My cognition is that I am willing to help, however over the course of many lifetimes I have placed conditions on this help eg who to give help to and how much help to give. Conditions are also in existence with my willingness to be helped. I accept help after most avenues have been exhausted, and only from certain people. I am willing to have others help where there is no way I can help eg extreme cases such as bombings overseas.

(R - Gosh, will you listen to her! `Over the course of many lifetimes', indeed! I won't put into words what her attitude regarding past lives was prior to starting this self clearing. But I really had to bite my tongue on quite a few occasions, I can tell you!)

Wednesday 6/1/99

12.2 General Help

12.2a) How could you help somebody else?
12.2b) How could somebody else help you?
12.2c) How could somebody else help others?
12.2d) How could somebody else help themselves?
12.2e) How could you help yourself?

T - I started this process on Monday, the first day of my new/old job. I chose the subject of money. Here are my responses to the questions:
Q. How could you help somebody else?
A. By giving them money, help per definition (short term) but rewarding the down stats (not long term assistance)
Q. How could somebody else help you?
A. By giving me money (eg my mother), rewarding the up stats and purchasing another property (2D)
Q. How could somebody else help others?
A. By giving money to charities such as Greenpeace, higher dynamics are reached
Q. How could somebody else help themselves?
A. By saving money and not wasting it on 1D
Q. How could you help yourself
A. By furthering the assets I have, not obsessing on 1D

I could see the significance of each flow of help and was happy with the extended answers I arrived at. I can see how any subject can be chosen and the questions will arrive at meaningful answers on help.

R - I began 12.1 a) Who or what would you be willing to help but didn't complete it because a somatic (pain) turned on in the chest area of my body. I spotted that this was caused by an entity restimulated by the process so I handled it/him (a Russian hussar/horseman) and the pain disappeared.

Thursday 7/1/99

T - After work yesterday at about 8.30pm I had a huge argument with my mother due to a lack of communication on her part, leaving me very upset. Today it was still on my mind, so I did a write up, realising there was an ARC X of long duration, with inhibited affinity (on my part due to obvious favouritism against me and on my mother's part due to her relationship with her mother, with whom she didn't get along). I realised the penalty (being there) and the fact that when I am there I provide fuel for my mother, be it teasing (appearance etc) or analysis of my behaviour (moods etc). At this early stage the answer to me seems to be don't be there, until I can at least sort out some of my problems, thereby assisting my family also.

Sunday 10/1/99

R - Well, big SRA (Severe Reality Adjustment) for me last night after drinking beer again with mum and dad. When dad started criticising me (again) I realised I had been playing his game/s instead of doing my own thing. Also realised that while I could easily join his game/reality he was entirely unable to share any of mine. He is still critical of Dianetics/Scio/Hubbard despite everything it has done for myself and T. But it is not just that. He is also critical of me doing tai chi in the mornings, which T and I have both found beneficial for relaxation, balance, coordination, etc. And in terms of help I realised his reality provided good help mest-wise (gardening, maintenance, chores, etc) but inverted help (see Pre-Havingness scale) mentally/spiritually because of his fixed ideas/ignorance in those areas.

So I neatly cut his entheta line last night by saying `Hang on, mum's trying to say something'. This effectively put him on `wait' because he is oblivious/unaware that I can assume control of his/mum's/others' communication at will - since my first month in Scn actually - and I diverted the communication away from myself for the rest of the evening. As he continued to drink he eventually ended up making a fool of himself, becoming the effect of his own wrong/evil intention/s, or hoist by his own petard, as I am fond of saying to T.

I resolved to restore priority to doing the self clearing so this morning I completed 12.1 while T did 12.2. We both had wins and T asked `Is there such a thing as failed help?' Well, what better invitation could one expect? I immediately opened up Ron's 0-8 The Book Of Basics and found the Pre-Havingness scale on page 123. There was Failed Help and I took the opportunity to increase our reality on it by finding examples for each level of the scale. Well, that led to heaps more wins/cognitions/blowing off of charge as we discovered/spotted where each of our parents (and ourselves and others) were/had been on the scale. Thus a potentially losing situation (Oh my god what's wrong with these people?) turned into a winning one for everybody involved (Oh, that's where they're at, that's where I'm at, that's why they can't be/do/have this/that/the other!). Heaps and heaps of itsa.

My wins on 12.1 by the way included realising the entirety of existence could be viewed in terms of help, e.g. mest (sun/water/soil) helps plants/animals/people, nurses help patients, paint protects/helps buildings, etc. etc. and that help (like so many other things) consists of a gradient scale, e.g. one can help another dig a garden or do the whole thing for them, etc, etc. I also saw that (many/most) people are below Help on the Pre Havingness scale and into Importance (of themselves) or Leave, etc, and that Control must have gone out before Help, because such people are not clear on Control either. I really saw how the Pre Havingness scale items dovetail together and how the human race fits into them. Especially it brought clarity to the previously unexplainable area of much teenage behaviour where these areas are so dramatised e.g. Unhelpful, out of Control, out of Communication, Leave (home, school), Abandon (suicide).

12.3 Past Help

These are 4 separate processes, each with 2 commands that should be alternated.

12.3.1a) What help has another given you
12.3.1b) What help has another not given you
12.3.2a) What help have you given another
12.3.2b) What help have you not given another
12.3.3a) What help have others given others
12.3.3b) What help have others not given others
12.3.4a) What help have you give yourself
12.3.4b) What help have you not given yourself

T - My win was finding out that "failed help" exists. My mother tried to help me when I was younger, but it wasn't help from my perspective ie failed help. She used an ice cream container lid cut into shape to shield my eyes when she washed my hair. However she had me lean forwards over the laundry basin. Subsequently shampoo would get into my eyes when she poured water over my head. There was an ongoing pattern of failed help. She used kerosene on my hair to flush out head lice (it's no wonder I literally pull out my hair today). This didn't work, and now I hate the smell.

Monday 11/1/99

R - I'm behind T but I make up for it by getting bigger wins (ha! ha!) :-) (Whoops, hope she doesn't read this!) Anyway, 12.2 General Help led to phoning Frank and arranging to continue with his self clearing on Thursday. He was understandably upset because I hadn't called him since moving house so I explained that away with `too busy', etc, and then he said he was back into computer programming after 14 years of inability. Naturally I attribute this resurgence to the self clearing he has done so far, but we'll find out more on Thursday.

After the phone call I continued 12.2 How could you help somebody else, etc, and had a number of realisations -
1. Any interaction (sane/uptone)
helps others, validates them, allows blowing of charge, increases ARC, etc
Helping others helps me by validating my ability to help.
2. Much (most/all?) sexual incompatibility/dissatisfaction is due to aberrated (not)
help in one or both partners
3. Society is based on (and can only exist with) the idea of mutual
4. Help others get what they want/need and you can have/inflow help/what you need
5. How To Win Friends and Influence People is based almost entirely on number 4. above
6. I see that (almost) nobody (including myself!) is clear on ALL
help flows (Able/willing to help self, receive help from others, provide help to others, allow others to help others)
7. There can be a gradient of
help, from not preventing something to delivering a process and getting a/the result with full intention (e.g. Who are you? Me! or `Give me that hand', etc)
8. Ideal
help would involve/require optimal be/do/have
9. An/the ability to help is ultimately measured by result/s, but can be viewed numerically such as the number of skills/abilities one has, and how good/experienced/effective one is with those skills

Finally I spotted a huge false datum buried in society so deeply and for so long that it is still operating to cause the demise of individuals, groups, societies, civilizations, etc. It is a false datum of the worst kind, non-survival and therefore evil, guaranteed to crash, cripple, handicap the most powerful being/s. I used to have it. My parents have it (which is why they cannot accept scn/clearing).
T's father died just last year because of it. And it seems so harmless on the surface.

The false datum is that one is somehow superior/more able/better off/nobler/survives better if one is self reliant and not dependant on others. The lie is in inverse proportion to the truth of the matter. The lie is that the greater one's self reliance then the greater is one's survival potential. T's father died because he refused to see a doctor until it was too late. It was obvious to everyone he needed professional help. But he refused to accept help from others until he was no longer able to eat or walk. He had been brilliant at helping himself and his family all his life but he could not accept/inflow help when he needed it.

Incidentally I gave him two (telepathic) Excalibur sessions (because that's what I was doing at that time) - one before he died and one after. They went quite well because the help button/barrier doesn't appear to exist on the theta level. Beings, entities, etc seem generally eager to communicate and run any process. For instance, the spiritual/telepathic healing ability gained in the last chapter worked beautifully on both mum and dad beyond their awareness level yet they will resist a physical touch assist or other physical universe processing in the physical universe.

Tuesday 12/1/99

R - Had an upset/argument with mum this morning after attempting to clear her help button (`Have you noticed how a shopkeeper helps by providing goods, and we help them by giving them money?' and `Have you noticed that society is basically about people helping each other?' etc) She made me good and wrong `What are you talking about that for? Nobody wants to listen to that! Nobody's interested in your funny ideas/what you want to say! etc. I had really pushed a button/stepped on a mine here! Her words were full of venom/hate, her eyes were swimming with glee/ irresponsibility. Obviously it was the wrong process or I'd overrun it or something and then I made it worse. I made her wrong by saying `Okay, next time you want to talk about something I'll say the same things to you', etc. In other words I lost it.

Well, following that upset I did a withdraw from the situation and mum and dad went out for the day. I retired to the den to attempt to continue with the next process but was too upset and knew I had to resolve my ARC X quicksmart. As I have resolved my upsets successfully over many years (without a meter since leaving Scn) I realised at a glance that I had a break in communication and that it was refused (refer ARCU, CDEINR, ARC X tech, etc).

I saw that mum's make-wrong mechanism always involved no/refused communication on the topic that restimulated her followed by immediate personal attack on the other person (usually me or dad). When not keyed-in mum, like most people, is a warm and wonderful human being. The problem is she is content with that whereas my goal is a somewhat higher state of existence. So occasionally over the years we have clashed.

Anyway, I was experiencing lots of charge on my upset so I got out pen and paper and chased it down through ten earlier similars. One was where I used the same make-wrong of refused communication on others and then that went earlier to my refused communication to mum and dad about something I'd done as a boy, and got sympathy for it instead of the belting/punishment I was expecting. In other words the upset/ARC X resolved brilliantly - and all within this lifetime which is somewhat unusual for me!

But the big, big, big win here was discovering the importance of and getting the reality of the Pre-Havingness scale. With the scale fresh in my mind (and having known about it for so many years) I saw that because Communication is below Havingness then obviously one cannot have/experience an event/trauma if one cannot communicate about it. In fact there were so many realisations I'll have to list them.

1. Realised No Communication/Refused Communication were inversion of OT ability to as-is. Of course it doesn't work because the being is at the wrong end of the scale.
2. Realised that without clearing tech human beings get stuck with each other's charge/aberrations and re-use it/them when restimulated themselves, etc. The urge to re-use mum's mechanism against her at the first available opportunity was quite overwhelming at the time. Humans can't as-is charge/emotional upset because they believe matter and energy can neither be created nor destroyed. So they are stuck with it the only way to `get rid of it' is to try and push it off onto one another. Because they know it's wrong to do this they need an excuse/reason such as an imagined threat/attack on their reality.
3. Clearing tech has enabled me to convert the entheta of the encounter with mum into theta. The charge was gone when mum and dad returned home that evening and things are back to `normal'.
4. Realised mum had pushed my Importance button (see scale), which was part of her make-wrong mechanism, and was the same button dad had tried to use on me (see 10/1/99)
5. I used `Control' (see scale) to handle dad's verbal attack to give him `Failed Communication' (see scale).
6. I saw how my Havingness this lifetime had been continually eroded by attacks at each and every level of the scale and that my parents continue to dramatise the exact same levels, e.g. they give clearing tech `Failed Importance' because they are unable/unwilling to give it `Importance', just as they did when I wanted a pet mouse at age ten.
7. Immediately after the upset mum decided to go out for the day. I realised this was `Leave' (see scale), the next level down from the `Failed Importance' which she gave me.
8. Realised `The News' is about Overts and Failed Overts (see scale).
9. Realised dad's `I'm not interested' (re tai chi, self improvement, self clearing, computers, internet, etc) is actually quite high on the scale - (it's almost at `have') whereas he has strong interest and high havingness on the garden.

Once again I am overawed to realise that Ron KNEW. Even after many years of study of clearing tech and huge spiritual progress I had no actual reality on the Pre-Havingness scale. Obviously because so much of it was unresolved for me. I was still - even as an `OT' - stuck in it. Equally obvious T was also suffering in that quicksand which my parents will remain in along with the rest of mankind unless/until they do clearing. As I said to T in the middle of all these wins `Do you realise what clearing all the buttons/levels of the Pre-Have scale would do for someone? They would be able to HAVE ANYTHING!' Do you see that? For example, winning a lottery would simply be ONE of the INFINITY of things they could have. I struggle to find an example of equal magnitude and realise there isn't one.

12.4 Specific Help

There are quite a few processes here. Each has 5 commands that are run alternately.

12.4.1a) How could you help a parent (or guardian)
12.4.1b) How could a parent (or guardian) help you
12.4.1c) How could another help a parent (or guardian)
12.4.1d) How could a parent (or guardian) help another
12.4.1e) How could a parent (or guardian) help themselves

12.4.2a) How could you help a child
12.4.2b) How could a child help you
12.4.2c) How could another help a child
12.4.2d) How could a child help another
12.4.2e) How could a child help themselves

12.4.3a) How could you help a teacher
12.4.3b) How could a teacher help you
12.4.3c) How could another help a teacher
12.4.3d) How could a teacher help another
12.4.3e) How could a teacher help themselves

12.4.4a) How could you help a wife or lover
12.4.4b) How could a wife or lover help you
12.4.4c) How could another help a wife or lover
12.4.4d) How could a wife or lover help another
12.4.4e) How could a wife or lover help themselves

12.4.5a) How could you help a boss or senior
12.4.5b) How could a boss or senior help you
12.4.5c) How could another help a boss or senior
12.4.5d) How could a boss or senior help another
12.4.5e) How could a boss or senior help themselves

12.4.6a) How could you help an official
12.4.6b) How could an official help you
12.4.6c) How could another help an official
12.4.6d) How could an official help another
12.4.6e) How could an official help themselves

12.4.7a) How could you help a holy man
12.4.7b) How could a holy man help you
12.4.7c) How could another help a holy man
12.4.7d) How could a holy man help another
12.4.7e) How could a holy man help themselves

12.4.8a) How could you help a body
12.4.8b) How could a body help you
12.4.8c) How could another help a body
12.4.8d) How could a body help another
12.4.8e) How could a body help itself


T - I spent two days on and off doing these processes. Here are a few of my answers. A parent or guardian could help themselves by being taking responsibility (of/for their children). A child could help themselves by listening and being aware. A teacher could help themselves by continually furthering their own knowledge, which in turn is passed on (the same for an official). A wife or lover could help themselves by listening to others. A boss or senior could help themselves by giving their staff leeway if required to make for a better work environment. A holy man could help another by healing. A body could help itself by the ability to regenerate or heal. I now see the word "body" with a different view than before, and how it is separate from the mind.

12.5 Confronting the Emotions

We have mentioned the emotional scale in a previous chapter. Although we did some work with it, we avoided the issue of confronting people who are in the grips of strong emotions. Now we can use these help processes to blow away the heavy barriers that most people build against these and make it easier for you to face up to and handle people who are being very emotional.

12.5.1a) How could you help an apathetic person
12.5.1b) How could an apathetic person help you
12.5.1c) How could another help an apathetic person
12.5.1d) How could an apathetic person help another
12.5.1e) How could an apathetic person help themselves

12.5.2a) How could you help a grief-stricken person
12.5.2b) How could a grief-stricken person help you
12.5.2c) How could another help a grief-stricken person
12.5.2d) How could a grief-stricken person help another
12.5.2e) How could a grief-stricken person help themselves

12.5.3a) How could you help a fearful person
12.5.3b) How could a fearful person help you
12.5.3c) How could another help a fearful person
12.5.3d) How could a fearful person help another
12.5.3e) How could a fearful person help themselves

12.5.4a) How could you help a covertly hostile person
12.5.4b) How could a covertly hostile person help you
12.5.4c) How could another help a covertly hostile person
12.5.4d) How could a covertly hostile person help another
12.5.4e) How could a covertly hostile person help themselves

12.5.5a) How could you help an angry person
12.5.5b) How could an angry person help you
12.5.5c) How could another help an angry person
12.5.5d) How could an angry person help another
12.5.5e) How could an angry person help themselves

12.5.6a) How could you help an antagonistic person
12.5.6b) How could an antagonistic person help you
12.5.6c) How could another help an antagonistic person
12.5.6d) How could an antagonistic person help another
12.5.6e) How could an antagonistic person help themselves

12.5.7a) How could you help a bored person
12.5.7b) How could a bored person help you
12.5.7c) How could another help a bored person
12.5.7d) How could a bored person help another
12.5.7e) How could a bored person help themselves

12.5.8a) How could you help a conservative person
12.5.8b) How could a conservative person help you
12.5.8c) How could another help a conservative person
12.5.8d) How could a conservative person help another
12.5.8e) How could a conservative person help themselves

12.5.9a) How could you help a cheerful person
12.5.9b) How could a cheerful person help you
12.5.9c) How could another help a cheerful person
12.5.9d) How could a cheerful person help another
12.5.9e) How could a cheerful person help themselves

T - Some responses were indicative of how my perspective has changed dramatically with the self-clearing. Help is a process used to resolve problems. The first step to resolving a problem is recognising that one exists. Help does not equal pandering, it equals direction to self-clearing and furthering knowledge.

12.6 Acceptable Help

(a) Spot an acceptable way of helping
(b) Spot an unacceptable way of helping

T - I asked myself before beginning the process - acceptable to whom? I realised that it's acceptable/unacceptable to me if I'm the person doing the process. I listed acceptable ways of helping such as assisting an injured person or someone in pain, rewarding upstats, caring for animals, helping the frail with heavy lifting, giving someone a lift in a car, giving someone street directions, anything that is pro-survival. Unacceptable ways included giving money to get someone out of a fix, down stats, "constructive" criticism. Up stats versus down stats was a running theme through this process and I realised I had made errors helping people in the past (especially giving money to my brother), which was actually unacceptable help.

Wednesday 13/1/99

R - Woke up about 4am and was unable to get back to sleep for about an hour because I was cogniting too much on areas of the Pre-Havingness scale. I realised a book or books could/should be written about each level of this magnificent scale. Protect and Failed Protect, for instance, could cover every war that has ever occurred!

Friday 15/1/99

R - While sweeping the floor this morning it occurred to me that I now had the ability to have/develop/improve any chosen ability. I realised that I am able to be able, and that is my greatest ability. Another way to express it would be an infinite ability to help (self and others). As one of the stated purposes of Scn is to make the able more able then I have made yet another giant leap in that direction.

In the evening T and I attended ballroom dance classes begun last week and had a great time. Our ability to learn the steps was obviously superior to that of the other beginners. Abilities from Self Clearing I was aware of using at the time included communication (with each other, the teachers, the floor, space, etc), duplication (of the teachers' words and demonstrations), help, control (of our own and each others' bodies).

Monday 18/1/99

R - I'm probably overrunning these processes because I've realised the ability from 15/1/99 could be stated as `Clear (unaberrated) on the subject of Help', at least on Flow 0 (self to self) and Flow 1 (receiving help).

Anyway doing 12.3.1 Past Help led to further understanding of Ron's data about help becoming betrayal as I recalled such incidents in my own past. I also saw how ARC relates to Havingness, in that Communicating with/about something leads to Understanding it, which then allows it into your space, which is Affinity. There was further understanding of the Pre-Havingness scale as I saw how Control, Overts, Withholds, etc related to Help. Also, interestingly, at some point during the process I realised I was providing terminals (people) as answers to the questions, rather than what the actual help was that was provided/not provided. This led to realising that everything/anything in the physical universe could be considered to be help or not help, depending entirely on the viewpoint one assumes. For example, a car is help if it gets one from A to B, but not help if it runs into another car, and a moisturiser is great help for dry skin but not help when it increases sunburn (I've now solved that problem with a combination moisturiser/UV protection).

CHRONIC PTP (Present Time Problem)

R - A chronic difficulty in writing up this diary is that as I type from my handwritten notes I continually experience further realisations/clarifications/understandings of such significance that I feel I have to record them also. I have the same problem when I discuss my wins/realisations with T - often cogniting mid-sentence or just after speaking, so that I then have to give the new/better realisation, which usually opens the door to further ones. As I write this I realise this would be because of such data as `Absolutes are unobtainable' (so one's understandings are not absolute/s but are relative truth/s and can develop ad infinitum). However, this is one problem I do not wish resolved at this point in my existence. I just wanted to point it out as a possible explanation for any apparent inconsistencies in the results of my self clearing.

Wednesday 20/1/99

R - Also, just in case anyone thinks I haven't done much for two days I should explain that I would love to do a process each day of the week. That is my idea of what the ideal lifestyle would include. However, a process which might achieve a result within one hour often generates double or triple that time in typing it into this diary, editing, revising, making links to references, getting it posted on the internet, etc. It is now 2.15pm and I began at 9am this morning. Half way through my Christmas holidays I've finally caught up with the backlog of handwritten notes (to do with various earlier chapters generated during 1998) and that is another reason why this diary keeps changing.

Thursday 21/1/99

R - Did 12.3.2 What help have you given another/not given another for 14 pages of answers, blew lots of considerations and had some minor cognitions -
1. Spotted a time of Failed Protect of my brother (further clearing of
Pre-Have scale levels)
2. Realised (again) agreeing with someone is not necessarily helping them
3. Nevertheless, help is agreement by definition
Saw relationship between Help and formula for ethics condition of Non-Existence
4. Realised Help is part of my/our basic nature
5. Realised all my help has been MEST, not theta (until began Scn/clearing)
6. Therefore ideal/ultimate help would be opposite of that - the Static (see definition of basic truth)
However, the process led me back to a
theta pole trap incident (which keeps coming up and which again didn't resolve) so I decided to continue it tomorrow.

Friday 22/1/99

R - Continued 12.3.2 (seven more pages) with my attention still on the pole trap incident and realised there had to be an earlier beginning or earlier similar incident, or a Flow 2 (me doing it to another/others). The Flow 2 got things moving and I saw how I'd (earlier) helped Marcab (as a `Commander') trap countless free beings with theta traps/implants, etc. The process flew as I included that stuff and then I recalled even earlier stuff (it's come up before but not from a help viewpoint) and saw how I'd helped (by agreeing with it) a mechanism/robot/recording at the beginning of time (Let's call it the/a time robot). It was artificially creating time by imitating a live being in that it seemed to be communicating but was in fact only putting out a recoded message. By listening to it/agreeing with it I went into agreement with the flow of time. In other words I learned (or was tricked/deceived) to exist/continue within the time stream. Since then I have been trapped in time and ALL help given and received has been within the time stream, therefore limited. There has been no return to total freedom/static/truth since (certainly not for me and, I strongly suspect, nor for anyone else - further data re the prison planet theory).

When I went for a cup of coffee I had the big realisation that I was still being (in the valence of) the time robot! That was/is exactly how my `mind' works, how I record and recall events/conversations, etc. Ahh! As I write this I see how I was helped (learned/tricked/betrayed) to see I didn't have to understand/as-is things/events in the physical universe! I could just `record' everything and play it back later. I no longer had to instantly understand everything. What a brilliant help/idea this was! I no longer had to Know - I could operate at Not Know, or Know About! (Is THIS the basis of my `reactive mind'?)

I realised that in the game of life I am actually aligned with (helping) MEST and am in Enemy/Treason to theta by being a human being. I recalled training/helping theta/life units by presenting them with puzzles/games to solve/play, which led to their creating postulates which trapped them in MEST. That's why I so easily fell victim to those same traps later!

Hide & Seek

As I realised I'd in fact helped (by agreeing with Time) MEST (and of course still do), I recalled (again) an earlier incident to do with Space was equally relevant if I hoped to undo this situation (and I do). I call it Hide and Seek because that's exactly what it was and kids everywhere still play it today. I've recalled the incident a number of times previously, but hadn't seen the significance of it until now. The game was to hide oneself in space. There were no objects, just thetans being viewpoints in a shared space, so the only way to hide was to `be' at the furthermost part of this space and hope whoever was `seeking' didn't go that far, or to be at Hide (-8.0 on the tone scale). Anyway, this `game' helped us believe it was safe/fun to have/be a viewpoint in space. We learned how to hide, to be there and not be found out. So I helped others and myself get trapped in the physical universe and here we are!

Saturday 23/1/99

You're FAT!

R - Brushing my teeth this morning (after a few beers with the folks the night before) I suddenly came up with THE solution to a problem I've had for forty-odd years or so, and which had been restimulated by mum's casual comment `You're fat'. Okay, I've got a (small) spare tyre around my middle, but in light of the fact one third of Americans are considered clinically obese, it's actually untrue to say I'm fat. With the tai chi, jogging, swimming and dancing I'm actually quite fit, not out of breath, etc. Also some years ago under the pseudonymn of Dr Strong I sold an exercise program with three degrees of fitness - Pussycat, Bobcat, and Tiger. Pussycat level was 10 push-ups, 10 sit-ups, 10 leg raises, 10 squats, etc. Bobcat was 20 of each and Tiger was 50 of each. Since then I've always maintained the minimum level of basic exercises. Another consideration I have is that if one is aged 30 years then one should be able to do that many push-ups, sit-ups, etc. This seems to me an obvious way to offset the effects of age. Following this program one's body would be fit, flexible and vigorous at the age of 50.

Anyway, I've had charge/upset attached to the expression `You're fat' since childhood. Furthermore I realised mum uses it as a weapon against people. She has no desire to help anyone so labelled. Also I recall when I first joined the Army she said I was `skinny', and that was bad, so there was never an ideal that she acknowledged. There was no win. Also I resented the fact she was using this weapon against other people/family members who actually were fat. I really wanted a solution to this problem, for their sakes and for everyone who has ever been at effect of this label/weapon.

`No, I HAVE fat!'

As I say, I was brusing my teeth and I yelled out to T`I've got it!', and told her my solution. She said `That's nice' and carried on doing the dishes, so I don't think she's quite duplicated the earth-shattering significance of my discovery. This is the weapon of defence for all those who have ever been hurt by the words `You're fat'. Seriously, numerous children have suicided and countless lives/families have been ruined because of the inability to deal with this issue. Well, the answer to it is `No, you're wrong. I HAVE fat'. It will work for the following reasons -

1. It states a greater truth (which will dissolve the identification of the person with fat)
2. It will move the person from effect to cause (out of Victim, 0.1 on the
tone scale)
3. It distances/separates the person from the problem (allowing communication with it and therefore a handling of it)
4. It takes/assumes ownership of the problem, which allows control of it (see
Havingness scale)
It is probably the lie/s involved in the statement
`You're fat' that is the/a major reason why people get stuck with such conditions. A person is many things, a composite. They are being a mother or father, brother or sister, worker, friend, lover, good cook, dancer, etc. So to ignore all those things and only validate/point out `You're fat' works to stick/label the person with that condition, like impaling a butterfly/insect with a needle and labelling it, as collectors do. Spiritually, we know a being can BE anything. On earth most people are BEING bodies but it is a higher truth to say they HAVE bodies. (The mere consideration of this truth can and does cause exteriorization from the body for many). To state a being/person is fat (meaning ONLY fat and nothing else) is such an untruth/wrong indication it can create too much charge for many people to deal with and they become chronic effect of the condition.

Tuesday 26/1/99

R - Had great results on process 12.3.3 What help have others given others/not given others, etc, which ran for only ten answers before I realised that the help others have given others (and continue to do so) was help to stay in the physical universe and continue to play the game of life. The help that others have not given others (with rare, if any, exceptions) was help to escape from MEST or return to Static/Source or however else one understands this concept. As far as I know, Clearing such as this remains the best chance anyone has at this time, as I see it. (Perhaps the only chance, as LRH maintained).

Continued with next process, 12.3.4 What help have you given yourself/not given yourself, which ran for four pages of answers. Clearly saw (back to the beginning of my track) how by participating in the physical universe I'd opposed all the Dynamics and, by doing so, created a first dynamic/self/ego/self. That is how I helped myself to play the game (of Life). I saw how by being an identity/me I had guaranteed myself a role in the game of existence, and how this was more real/solidified/duplicated on earth by `being' a meat body. That is, anyone with a body is guraranteed a role/place in the game of life as we know it here on earth. Beings without bodies (thetans, ghosts, entities, etc) are generally ignored/unacknowledged because, quite simply, they are not in the/our game.

If the above results seem far-fetched, over-the-top, unnatainable, delusional, etc, then have a look at what Sehlene proffered in a recent email to an internet group on the subject of Self. (Ed. Note: This link was not provided by "R")

Wednesday 27/1/99

R - Writing up diary prior to posting it on the net. Interesting to note my wins/cognitions, etc, are unaffected by alcohol consumed at least every other night as I enjoy time with my parents holidaying with us. However, I have increased the number of push-ups, sit-ups, etc, to offset the tendency to put on weight with this (temporary) lifestyle.

Thursday 28/1/99

R - Realized this morning a different interpretation for `Burning the candle at both ends'. For me it is having my body in top shape with a daily exercise regimen while keeping `my thetan' in top shape with daily self clearing. It's like a complete address of the entirety of `me', the body as one end of the candle and my theta universe as the other. So I was very keyed-out, yet again. Life is good, dynamics in harmony, new house great, rent coming in from other property, planning to purchase another one, got dad talking about his (few) spiritual/theta expeiences (by talking about mine) which increased our mutual ARC. Anyway, must push on.

Did 12.4.1 How could you help a parent for five pages of answers. This help process led to the sudden recognition of my mother being at Fear of Worsening (-5 on the Lower Awareness scale). (You may recall I tried to clear her Help button recently which led to an upset - well, now I saw this had been too high for her (Help is at -1). Then suddenly the whole of the scale opened up for me. I wrote `It's like a window to a magical realm called knowingness!' Because my parents are staying with us currently their behaviour is very real to me. I suddenly saw that this scale accurately reflects/explains where they live! I recognised incident after incident, all the minor and major occurrences in their/our daily lives could be exactly identified/plotted on this scale. It just explains so much where they are at! Then that extended outwards and I spotted where other incidents/people in my life/past were on the scale.

I won't bore you with all the examples that poured out but there was no doubt that dad's `Sergeants Mess games' were at Sadism (-23) and explained immediately why T was reduced to tears after `agreeing' to play. And dad's tales of he and his fellow cronies chewing razor blades and glass, swallowing nails, etc, were obviously boasts of Masochism (-24, the next level down). Then I spotted exactly how he exhibits Hysteria (-15), the agitation and high pitched voice, etc, which is not nearly as obvious as mum's, but really, really, really explained why he goes out of communication, can't be reasoned with, etc. when he's at that level.

I ended the process but real-life incidents/examples of the Lower Awareness Levels continued to come to mind throughout the day and into the next day. With few exceptions I now have personal reality/understanding/experience/ knowledge of each of the 32 levels. I realised that my new-found reality/understanding of where the bulk of the human race is actually at has caused a huge boost in my ability to help. You know, how can you help something/someone if you're not aware of it or out of comm/ARC with it, etc.

Then did 12.4.2 How could you help a child/a child help you, etc, for three pages. Answers included `By being a child', `By granting beingness', By admiring it', `By being unaberrated', until I realised I was/am actually attaining my own childhood dream/goal of being like Superman (Helps everybody, super able, invulnerable, etc) with daily self clearing and daily physical workouts. It's an ongoing process of ever increasing ability/s and can be continued on to infinity.

Friday 29/1/99

R - While shaving this morning my attention was on the word Delusion (-14). Previously I had felt the power/effect of other people's delusions and had recognised them as such on a small number of occasions. One, for example, was when I answered a knock at the door of our unit late at night. At first everything seemed normal but as I approached the door I became aware of an overpowering idea/suggestion that there was a promise of extreme violence and danger. I had to take a second (theta) look at the actual situation and I sensed/knew that in fact there was no actual danger at all. But I had to make a definite effort to assert my `safe' view/reality/postulate in the face of the continuing/persistent idea of extreme danger. I then opened the door to a figure in the dark. It was a neighbour (a young fellow from Greece, the friendliest, most helpful neighbour in the block) calmly asking for help with some bees which were getting into his unit from a nearby tree.

Anyway, as soon as the actual reality of the situation asserted itself the door opposite burst open and my very agitated neighbour D demanded to know if everything was all right and I was safe, etc. His agitation indicated a readiness for a physical confrontation and only my repeated verbal reassurances calmed him down. At that point the ideas/feelings of danger, violence, etc disappeared and I saw they had been entirely created/mocked-up by him. I realised THAT was a Delusion, a belief contrary to the facts/reality. If I had bought into it anything could have happened. Now I know what motivates a lynch mob.

By way of background, D is otherwise fairly able in life and passes for `normal'. He created and runs his own security business employing two or three casuals to share the patrol work. However, he never goes on duty without a handgun (he insisted on showing T and myself his latest ones which have laser for accuracy at night), he drinks three bottles of scotch a week while watching videos of Hitler and marching round his lounge room, he was shot once when somebody tried to steal a weapon from him, and his favorite saying is `My dog can jump this high', holding his arm up in the Nazi salute. I have lost count of the number of conversations I have had to excuse myself from as he explains that Goering actually had some good ideas and that non-whites/ethnics `aren't really human - they're not like us, not really, don't you think?' . His big `ruin' in life was having flat feet so they wouldn't let him join the army. His current ruin is he can't get his legs up high and march like the SS soldiers in his videos. So that is what fuels his particular delusion/s.

What I realised this morning while shaving was that certain (most/all?) religions enforce delusions on their followers. Catholics, for example, must accept that God exists and that the Devil exists. Now, I'm not saying these beings DON'T exist. That's not my point. My point is, if a person has not discovered for himself whether or not these beings actually exist, then he is being asked to accept/agree with what may be someone else's delusion. If he is told to `have faith' then he is being asked to agree with something he has not in fact experienced for himself and that is delusion. Hubbard had the pefect antidote for this with `If it's not true for you, it's not true'.

Saturday 30/1/99

R - Well, T has just spell-checked/edited this chapter so far, which is a great help (and of course a very cunning way on my part to get her more involved with it, read my stuff, etc). I thought I'd record here some of the realisations I had when I woke up at 5am this morning. This happens a lot but I haven't managed to record a fraction of them. This is simply this morning's example. It's occurring because of the (almost) daily processing and despite frequent drinking sessions.
1. Came up with the analogy that doing a process is like jumping into a boat that takes you from one place to another and back. Those two places are MEST and theta.
2. With each boat trip the journey (to theta) gets easier, faster, smoother and one can go further.
3. After many trips the destination (theta) becomes so familiar it feels like home.
4. Used to think I was `losing sleep' if I awoke early. Now I recognise it as cognition time.
5. Realised humans are more MEST than theta. They are not as-ising anything. They don't cognite. For them, all roads lead to MEST because theta does not exist for them.
6. Realised I was more theta than MEST. For me, all roads lead to theta. Every process proves that.
7. Realised another analogy was appropriate. Gulliver and the Lilliputians. It represents how a big being is attacked/held down/criticised (made smaller) by smaller beings. Ron was a big being. Many Free Zoners are big beings. Many are not.
8. Realised it was time to get up.

Later I continued 12.4.3 How could you help a teacher, etc, (begun yesterday but not completed) with answers such as `By being a good student', `By duplicating teachings'. A page of answers led to the sudden reality/understanding/clarity that teaching is simply a FLOW of help between two terminals. Also I understood the greatest help was duplicating/becoming the teacher, as many have done with Ron Hubbard, and as Jesus' disciples did with him, etc.


Then I thought of a marvelous analogy to explain our possible connection with theta/infinity/god. I say `possible' because although I did experience it briefly (after some auditing years ago) as a `reality' I'm unsure if it was a delusion or not. It was an absolutely glorious experience which gradually faded away over a couple of days, more intoxicating than any drug experience I'd had. It really felt like I was God, not A god, but THE God of the Bible, etc, (and so was everyone else of course, they just didn't know it!) but I couldn't DO anything godlike but enjoy the feeling. Also I knew I could `awaken' others to experience the same state very easily but it seemed important they did it on their own determinism. Anyway, the analogy is that as white light gets refracted/separated/divided by a prism into many different colours, or the sun through raindrops into a rainbow of many colours, so theta/infinity/God manifests through the physical universe as multiple viewpoints. These viewpoints become so aberrated by MEST they believe/act, live and die as separate/discrete individuals/life units. Remove the prism, the many colours vanish and there is only the one light. Take way the physical universe (as clearing gradually does) and there will stand revealed infinity/theta/static/you. As it was in the beginning, is now and forever shall be, etc. Actually, this is an ancient truth/secret/mystery and my first introduction to it was reading the book `Be Here Now' by Baba Ram Dass (Dr Richard Alpert). I don't know how all this ties in with 12.4.3 but I'm sure it must help.

Tuesday 2/2/99

R - Did 12.4.4 How could you help a wife or lover for a page of answers and realised the best way to help anybody was to push/encourage them towards becoming clearer.

12.4.5 and 12.4.6 produced the same answer.

12.4.7 How could you help a holy man reminded me when I'd experienced `god consciousness' and it occurred to me that ultimate help would be to return to static/theta (the solution) and stop contributing to mest (the problem).

12.4.8 How could you help a body brought to light LOTS of reality/cognitions re bodies. I realised we've become totally dependent on them and that is not okay. The best help would be to clear the body of aberrations then finally rid it of ourself, the thetan. Parasite is the word that comes to mind as I type this one up.

Monday 8/2/99

R - Okay, it looks like I haven't done anything for a week, doesn't it? Well actually I failed to print out all the pages of this chapter and thought I was finished - and started the next chapter! So now I'm back to finish this one off. So, today it was 12.5.1 How could you help an apathetic person (How could they help you, etc.) Had a number of realisations, as usual

1. Realised this was the perfect process for someone in apathy (just as `From where could you communicate to a victim' works to exteriorise a person stuck at `victim' on the tone scale)
2. Realised apathy is not ALL bad (e.g. when it's where your enemy/opponent is)
3. Realised an apathetic person will often
help themselves by leaving (a source of suppression, for example) and this was a clue to their (pre) havingness level (see Leave)
4. Realised best
help is help them trace/spot the cause/source of the condition
At this point I experienced a HUGE increase of understanding of Source (see top of
scale), that sourcing the apathy (or anything else adversely affecting one) will restore the person to cause by reversing the cause/effect relationship, rebalancing, etc. Actually, as I type this I realise that rebalancing/correcting traumas/errors etc in the past (you know, processing) is exercising cause over time. It is undoing something that has already occurred in the physical universe, (which is impossible according to physical universe laws). So that's another nice understanding gained through maintaining this diary!

Tuesday 9/2/99

R - Did 12.5.2 How could you help a grief-stricken person, etc. which didn't seem to be going anywhere after 3 pages of answers. As I look over my notes now I see the realisation on page 1 which I had overlooked at the time but is clearer now having done a couple more emotions. You see, I had assumed one is SUPPOSED to help, but Hubbard had a lot to say about `supposed to's' and I'm understanding it better now. My answer was that God doesn't do anything to help anyone (so why should I?) but later I realised this is only the apparancy. God (or me/us as static/infinity/theta, etc) at the highest level IS BEING the individual dramatising the emotion. That is what is behind the game/s of life. The game we are currently playing/dramatising is where we stand on our own foot so as to experience `pain' and then complain about our sore foot. When one knows that then the help is not to make a person wrong, but to be stable (like the static) and grant beingness and do what is appropriate at the time on that human level (be supportive, drive them to the funeral, whatever), assist them in coming back uptone, etc.

Onto 12.5.3 How could you help a fearful person, etc. and two pages of answers brought a huge realisation. I wrote `I finally understand what `stable terminal' means now! And now I see there is a gradient scale of stability a person can assume/experience. Obviously anyone helping/counselling/relating to another person should be more stable than the one being helped. The first time I `audited' someone years ago was absolutely terrifying for me. But I'd been trained well enough to be there and ask the questions and get the result, so it went well. In that case the training made me stable enough to process another person until I realised it `worked' and I settled down and learned my fears were unnecessary - a session additive. Now I see a scale of stability from total unstability/psychotic all the way up to static. Furthermore, this process is revealing to me those exact areas/emotions where I am NOT stable in dealing with other people. Ultimately if I have a reaction to another's outflow then I'm not as-ising that outflow, or not allowing them to as-is it, etc.

Process 12.5.4 How could you help a covertly hostile person, etc. led to a recall of a time as a (Marcab) officer where there were no females. Not a sexual thing but an otherwise ostentatious time of gay abandon, dark uniforms, partying, and where I was oh, so popular - I was a star! No wonder it's such an attractive lifestyle! And I realised that's why I could appreciate The Three Musketeers, Robin Hood, the Princess Bride, etc. Unable to complete the process so have to finish it tomorrow.

Friday 12/2/99

R - Continued 12.5.4 and realised the `gay' (Marcab) experience was actually an implant. It didn't `take' with me in that I chose/choose not to be like that - you know, I'm attracted to girls (different implant/s). But until I discovered the `gay' implant I now see I was effect of it in that it made me oppose/resent gays subsequently. I see some/many have chosen to agree with the implant, which puts them in opposition to those who've disagreed with it. Then I suddenly saw that ALL the tone levels/emotions are some sort of dis-ease/aberration separating us from the static/god. And if the static is ultimate truth then all emotions are/must be lies. And maybe the biggest lie is identity - maybe we ARE all ONE. I keep coming back to that conclusion, and it's scary. But there must be SOME big lie/s under everything holding everything (mest) in place!

12.5.5 How could you help an angry person, etc. revealed to me that from the static (viewpoint) emotions are simply symptoms of disease/aberration an individual is dramatising (anger is an obvious dis-ease) as they fall away from serenity. I saw that units of theta separated with barriers (distance, time, etc) could manifest the range of tones/emotions as they tend to re-unite. Look at the fireworks when you try and separate a child from its mother, for example. Now I can really appreciate Hubbard's appropriate/accurate choice of the word `terminal' to describe such a theta unit or individual.

12.5.6 How could you help an antagonistic person, etc. After a couple of pages of answers my ears started `singing' and I really felt some stuff/mass was shifting somewhere in my mind/universe and I realised any serv fac/must do/supposed to is an additive to just being there/static, another lie pinning me to mest. I realised ANY Antagonism automatically puts one in a Game with whatever/whoever is opposed. After more answers I got a recall of humans opposing thetans and remembered the datum `what you resist you become'. Had lots more cognitions as I continued the process and continued to get charge off this area, tracing it back to theta v mest, spotting how we've learned to be antagonistic and oppose things/each other so as to have games. Feel there's further to go on this one.

Tuesday 16/2/99

R - Had big cognition this morning that I in fact had a lot of antagonism in me (a bit of a severe reality adjustment/shock as I'd assumed I was further up the scale) so I'd cleverly not-ised it up until now. So this had been unearthed with 12.5.6 so I continued the process on the principle that what turns it on turns it off. Realised a number of things -
1. I saw that in fact I WOULD abuse any power/position/wealth/OT ability, etc by being biased
2. Realised wisdom must precede any gain/re-gain of advanced abilities
3. Saw that abuse is mis-use of others
4. Having come down through antagonism to the lower levels, one has to return through it
5. Beings at antagonism are perfect opponents in any game
6. Total freedom is gained by undoing everything one has done (LRH's no track, no charge)

12.5.7 How could you help a bored person, etc, after only half a page of answers produced the amazing experience of having more time and space than in lower levels. Logically one is more able the higher one is on the tone scale. One can DO more in LESS time, etc, but I'd always just accepted this as degrees of competence. Now I see that in fact a being actually has more time/space/energy going up the scale, and less going down. For example, my mother at anxiety never has enough time, space, energy, money, food, clothes, or anything else, a complete alter-is of our actual situation.

12.5.8 How could you help a conservative person, etc, again after only one page I understood how ALL the tone levels are improved with clearing, so that beings are freed up to play better the game/s of life. I gained a new understanding of how life is a game/s and felt free to create/change the rules of life's game/s.

Wednesday 17/2/99

12.5.9 How could you help a cheerful person, etc. My dad quickly came into view on this tone level but the process revealed this was his `social' tone level - the one the public sees. A bonus was seeing through this and spotting an actual tone level of sadism (he made T cry with his sergeant's mess `games', upset her with his stories of catching/killing rats and mice, squeezing her hand too hard in handshakes, making mum complain he was `too rough' massaging her shoulders, etc). There is no judgment of these lower tone levels. Discussing these revelations with T brought her much relief/tolerance, etc. Indeed `Understanding is the universal solvent, it washes away everything', as Ron said (Tech Dict defn 3). Anyway, after four pages of answers I realised MANY more understandings were necessary to get where I wanted to go, clear of life's games, cause over games, the ultimate winner's circle. At this point I knew I'd finished Cheerful and wanted/needed to do Games.

12.5.(10) How could you help a person at games, etc. - Well, I committed that horrible crime again of making up my own process all by myself! Actually, it wasn't difficult if you look at the Pilot's questions for these processes. And I knew I'd had losses/failures re games so I knew I needed to do it. Then I compounded the error and made myself right by having some great realisations! The first was discovering the reason I wasn't picked for a cricket game at age 11. It wasn't because they didn't like me after all. It was because they already had 22 players! My solution to such losses/failures in life was to go down the scale from games. Five more pages of answers led to attaining a personal reality that there is the game of theta versus mest and the way to win it is through clearing. I also realised why all games are aberrative. They don't undo any of the problem/s of mest, they only enforce or re-enforce them. In fact matter and space comprise the playing field, or game board. So it's all down hill from there. I also discovered that not everyone is my opponent in the game/s of life after all. In fact they can be team mates. I've never been a `team player' so this was another revelation for me. And it became obvious that the most successful people who ever lived are in fact losers in the theta versus mest game. If you are here in a body on earth then you've lost that game. Possible exceptions are those who can appear and disappear from this universe at will. And that would be a doingness, not an assertion. I did it once this lifetime, under extreme duress (the end phenomenon of my Purification Rundown) but I haven't mastered the ability to do it at will. Not yet.

Friday 19/2/99

R - Continued clearing games. Realised boils/illness etc are attacks/games, that everything is games, that all emotions are below games and therefore signs of losing, that life is God's game of hide and seek, that watching games is a harmonic of the action of the static `viewing' life, same same the individual viewing his past (mental mest). Then I exteriorised from games/life. This experience was a withdrawing back from life as I normally view/experience it (I always assume I'll exteriorise up!), so I was looking out at it, rather than being IN it. So that was VERY nice. That made me see how much I'd wasted hundreds of hours of confront drills (especially TR 0) as they never led to this experience, when they COULD have. Then I saw why postulates is above games (and decided to do that next) and that one must be automatically counter postulating for any game/problem to persist. Then I suddenly saw how much action I/we engage iin below the games level (work, for example). Then I saw the tone scale is simply a gradient scale of aberration! Then I regained the ability to have/not have games, exteriorise from them at will, etc, and saw I'd experienced it years ago without realising it (what a waste!) and that the Buddhist `suicide' and/or dying (if voluntary) is a demonstration of this. I then saw a superior state would be the ability to be there or not, at will. Cause over being there, manifesting, etc.

My head was really buzzing by now with this process and I felt masses/energies/flows/particles re-aligning. I saw I had always assumed anyone at games would oppose me and realised I'd chosen (all) others as opponents in game/s of life. That gave me a lot of games! Boy, wasn't I clever? So an infinity of individuals provides an infinity of potential games, except for a few `friends' who are on `my' side! Friends are those who simply are not opposed to me. Then I thought of Jesus and saw an example of sacrifice of a piece/player (the body) by a master. Then I saw that existence is the primary game we are all playing, but far from a knowing condition. Then I saw pieces/players simply as positive/negative terminals instead of friends/enemies and recalled vast Marcab implanting operations creating a universe abundant with just such terminals. And here we still are. And THAT explained why I have such problems freeing/enlightening others today. It's my postulate/counter postulate, intention/counter intention etc because I was so successful at the implanting game! Then I saw that my inability to be a team player was in fact a ruin on the games level. Then I saw that resisting not-being was somehow the cause of being, which explains the importance of the Samurai code advocating no concern for living or dying, or LRH's `Your self determinism and your honour are more important than your immediate life' (Code of Honour, number 9), and Shakespeare's `To be or not to be', etc, etc. Then I saw that revenge/payback is simply a return of perceived unwanted energy, guaranteed to stick one in a game like a fly to flypaper. By now (after 7 more pages) I was feeling queasy and decided the loss of all games via a loss of beingness could cause that as a loss of havingness.

Sunday 21/2/99

R - Woke up about 5am and couldn't stop cogniting. Last night after two beers with the family I suddenly realised that just as `everyone wanted' computers when they came out, and prior to that TVs, before that radios, before that cars, etc, then it was the SAME THING with bodies. I realised I'd reached basic basic on things/objects I had to have. At the same time I realised there was something earler than the meat body and doll bodies and the idea of force came to me. There were many other cognitions which I don't recall. One was that the emotional tone levels were all `postulates'. Later in the morning, after 20 laps in the local pool, I developed a headache which I put down to lack of food/protein. Ate heaps of fish for lunch but the headache persisted and I told T it was related to the `force' idea.

At the pool with T I again used my increased ability to listen/agree. The conversation began with her frustration/concern at not having done processing for some weeks. She said she could not relate to my wins with higher tone scale levels like Cheerfulness, Games, and such. She said she felt she would get more out of doing levels such as Sacrifice and Blame so we decided to pick out suitable emotions later from the tone scale and continue processing with those.

Monday 22/2/99

T - After several weeks of steadying myself (new house, new job) I have again put my attention on self-clearing. After completing chapter 12 with no huge wins, I discussed with R my next step. We feel that the tone scale covered by The Pilot eg How could you help a cheerful/conservative/bored/apathetic person covers areas where I don't often reach. Instead, I will concentrate on these parts of the scale, which seem real to me sacrifice/blame/failure/ victim/pain/boredom). Recently I realised, after a weekend spent shut indoors and upset, that I am often depressed because it's my true emotion, one that I have always felt since youth. R commented that I purposely turned situations into upsets. However, I explained that I don't enjoy being depressed, but it is what I know. I don't feel happy, meaning overjoyed or enthusiastic. I am always blasé about everything. There are few things that I look forward to or am interested in, and this is slowly decreasing. I make little effort to look good. My hobby is sleeping. I hope that as the self-clearing progresses I can rid myself of these habits and become more purposeful. My enjoyment/inspiration is seeing R's results; he glows when he discusses his results, and yet he can sit down for a beer like everyone else. I mentioned to him on the weekend that he is fanatical about clearing, as his father is about the army, as I used to be about movies.  If I could be fanatical about anything, that would be a win. R and I also talked about games. I have always thought that compared to my brothers I was a loser. I couldn't beat them at chess, computer games, I threw like a girl. I didn't enjoy playing against them in board games. However, in our adult lives it is me who has won a trip overseas, weekends away, movie tickets et cetera. I have been able to reward myself, making up for a lonely and confused childhood. Today I have discovered that my brother broke his elbow and will be in a cast for three months. I don't feel any sympathy. I don't feel anything.

(R - I would say passionate about clearing, rather than fanatical, but I make no apologies for it. I do acknowlege that I should not be EVALUATING so much.)

R - I continued 12.5.(11) How could you help someone at postulates for a 7 more pages of answers. I realised we are actually ALWAYS postulating. First of all we're postulating our own individual beingnesses, then everything else is added on to that. After lunch I realised that NOTHING in the physical universe is important. For better or worse that awareness faded and I continued the process. Then I saw how entities are handled with the NOTs valence process (What are you/who are you). When their life/game postulate is exposed then they can finally end cycle on that existence. They will stay forever in a games condition (continuously postulating that particular beingness/mockup) until it is as-ised. Also I discovered that a genie (I've no doubt they did actually exist!) operated at the level of postulates, and the importance of counter-postulates in order to obtain the persistence/existence of something so we can HAVE stuff/things. Also I saw that protest, suppress, not-is, and all the prepcheck `buttons' are postulates. Then it occurred to me we should have a word `un-postulate', and the reason we don't is because generally we lost that ability and concept eons ago. And I saw how we postulate something then immediately dive down to not-know so it will stick (not as-is).

Tuesday 23/2/99

R - Had another look at the tone scale this morning. Saw that postulates was at not-know on the know to mystery scale. Hadn't realised that EVERYONE below serenity is in a state of not-know! And that's where one sinks back to after every process result wears off. THAT'S why our processing wins etc seem to fade, because we fall back into the mud with the rest of the human race. We're never as bad off as them with the solution as close as the next process. Until we get rid of enough case, or make enough gain so we DON'T sink back at all. Also, we never sink as low as we were before. We still have to live in it, but every process leaves us that little bit higher in that mud.

Anyway, continuing 12.5.(11) postulates I realised agreement/inflow was a postulated thing. I'd always thought postulating was an outflow so this was an important realisation. I'd assumed by `agreeing' I was simply going along with others' postulates. Hadn't realised my agreement/inflow was MY postulate/desire. Therefore whatever one sees that one is not as-ising one is postulating/co-postulating its existence. The it occurred to me that if the highest purpose in this universe is the creation of an effect (LRH), then the lowest may be to experience/be an effect? Then I saw that mest provides something to push against, a have/havingness and so postulates is the do/doingness following be/beingness or existence. Also that our inflow of mest may be the direct/immediate backlash/result of looking or putting out anchor points. Then I saw that life/existence is a gradient scale of unconsciousness, or as others have observed a `dream' , and others and `illusion', etc. Then I realised that by having an identity one automatically sets oneself up against the remainder of the dynamics. Again, others have said it's necessary to dissolve the self/ego, etc. but it's nice to see that for oneself. I realised being in this universe and not being able to appear/disappear at will was at least liability (see ethics conditions). Then I actually recalled making the decision (see the Factors). This led to realising the best way to help others at the level of postulates was to show them `the way out' and that `the way out' is probably the ability to cease making or as-is the First Postulate. Further, since he highest level on the tone scale is serenity of beingness, which infers no necessity to postulate, then the obvious next step up is no necessity to be.

Thursday 25/2/99

R - Decided I needed to do the next higher tone level so this would be 12.5.(12) How could you help a serene person/how could they help you, etc. The first thing I realised was true serenity would be a doorway to god/infinity/ static, and it became real that the 7D is higher than the 6D. Then it became more real/obvious that serenity is on the way to static because it is opposite to striving/wanting/suffering. Then I saw the importance of all that early track implanting. Without false/artificial/arbitrary goals/purposes to keep us motivated we'd keep rising back up through serenity to static (and escape from mest). This confirmed there is nothing important to do (in the mest universe) apart from undoing and discarding our false/ artificial beingnesses. Next I saw the way out/freedom was to not continue to mock-up/validate/perpetuate mest, to not play the/any game/s. With that I understood the nonsense aspect of Zen, when the master says or does something the disciple finds inexplicable. The student has to learn to stop striving to understand everything, but rather to just accept things, or as we would say, confront the is-ness. Then I discovered I had a must-have on the state of static, on the very thing I want the most! I saw I had to be willing to let go of my purpose in order to have/achieve it, and had a brief revelation that implants were involved. Again I saw the importance of implanting beings to `assist' them down from serenity into mest/games. It was necessary to sabotage that serenity with automatic mechanisms that would restimulate/provide oppostion every time they postulated something, an artifically induced/ enforced game condition. So ANY postulate brings them down to games because it is artificially connected to an opposing postulate. Then I saw exactly why implants worked, something I've never quite understood despite having run-out/blown a number of them over the years.

Again, all of this confirmed that there is a `way out' and that it consists of undoing/solving/exposing our individual time tracks, including those things known as implants. A nice validation of my state of serenity came from a co-worker who remarked that I appeared so calm while everyone else was stressing out.

Friday 26/2/99

R - Continued 12.5.(12) for couple of pages. Realised withdrawal from mest is in a backward direction (from my viewpoint), not an upward one as I had assumed. Realised theta DOES operate in terms of reach and withdraw, and that withdraw = leave (a game). Realised any attention on mest pulls one into it. Also that the more clearing one does then the more serene one becomes. Ran out of time so ended off with no definite result at this point - but see next paragraph.


R - Achieved a remarkable result from 12.5.(12) How could you help a serene person, etc. Arriving home after work, shortly after doing some physical exercises (100 sit-ups, 10 pull-ups, squats, handstands and jumps), I saw serenity related to the big win I had doing 12.5.6 (antagonism) in that it was a level of non-resistance. At first I got that serenity was a non-resistance to anything in the physical universe. Then that developed into seeing it as a non-resistance to any be/do/have efforts/forces, etc, on all 8 dynamics. I mentioned this to T as we had our first beer and then when my parents arrived home from the Club I realised I was exterior while talking to mum. I took this as further validation of the serenity result and again mentioned it to T. I compared the experience to being a ventriloquist with his hand stuck up a dummy and noticed I hadn't ever achieved such an experience with alcohol before. It was also interesting to note the differences in the effects I and/or my body experienced from the exercises, the self clearing, the alcohol, and life generally which has been going so well lately.

Saturday 27/2/99

R - As I type this (there's 5 days of processing to type up!), T is sitting on the path out in the garden. I take a short break to see how she's going. `Hi, watcha doing?', `Just doing some weeding - I love doing this. It's great having all this energy. Must be all the self-clearing!' So she is doing very well lately. My most difficult problem now is getting her to put her results into the diary. She just seems to take them for granted - I'm just going to have to restimulate her occasionally to remind her there's a lot more work to be done before we can take a break from clearing. I wonder if our readers appreciate how hard it is to get everything diarised when we'd rather be surfing the net (or gardening!)...

Monday 1/3/99

R - Decided to do another tone level (Needing bodies - see tone scale), so this would be (additional) process
12.5.(13) How could you help someone needing bodies, etc. which ran for eight pages of answers. After two pages
I realised terminals are necessary for flows to occur, at which point needing bodies became real to me. Became aware of needing bodies for 2D purposes/sensation and realised theta solution would be to as-is/resolve such need/s whereas human/mest solution is to create an industry to satisfy such needs. Theta pole trap incident came up again and also recalled producing/manufacturing bodies earlier on the track, (considered much like producing suits of armour) for beings to use in combat type games. Then I spotted the tone of worshipping bodies (see tone scale) I'd been personally dramatising (e.g. as a kid, cutting pictures of Superman out of comics & putting them on the wall). Then I kept feeling sleepy so figured I was overrunning the process. I decided the win was realising that needing bodies provided multiple viewpoints for the eighth dynamic to manifest/experience and play the game/s of life, or on the seventh dynamic to provide body games for all those who want to play.

R - Continued on with 12.6 Spot an acceptable/unacceptable way of helping for two pages but didn't complete it.

Tuesday 2/3/99

R - Continued 12.6 for four more pages with no real EP. Vague maunderings such as everything has helped somebody or something at some time or other, and/or that even unacceptable help serves a purpose in the great cosmic scheme, and that when beings are sated with mest they'll then want to leave, and that a time track is simply undigested mest, but nothing substantial really.

Thursday 4/3/99

R - Continued 12.6 for three more pages. Realised that force (being unacceptable help) is automatically rejected by a being, which makes it stick. No real EP yet.

Friday 5/3/99

R - Continued 12.6 for six more pages, had many marvellous insights, then decided I was overrunning it. One highlight was realising correct balance of force and reason was best help, such as when on a thought level I used force/violence on a youth with a noisy Walkman. It really relieved the charge for me (and others nearby, no doubt) without causing a scene. After a few minutes of punching the crap out of him (mentally) he got up and left. I decided I must have used a correct balance of force and reason to help the situation and in fact was operating on the theta level. And because we're `not supposed to' think violent thoughts I realised that suppression of them probably causes actual violence to erupt on the physical level. I saw that operating on the theta level avoids any physical constraints/agreements, by-passes any suppression etc, and that indeed `Walls do not a prison make'. It is a wonderful freedom with love/affinity as its highest expression.

Actually, it's only as I write up my notes that I recognise the EP. It becomes obvious that, like so many other things, acceptable help is subject to a gradient scale so I was unable to spot a particular answer as significant because all my answers/realisations were valid per that viewpoint. I now see the actual highest point was when I wanted to quit my present job and go off to open the world's first sexual service station, to operate much like the popular car service stations, with supermarkets, child care, etc, as well as spas, masseurs, anything/everything bodies enjoy. It would be the McDonald's or Pizza Hut of brothels, popular and accepted world wide. I realised I'd arrived at create, the top of the havingness scale, on the subject of acceptable help. Of course such a mockup would meet with opposition because most other beings are stuck at lower levels of acceptable help. Until they are all cleared on the subject of help, then one man's help is another man's poison.

Saturday 13 March 1999

Summary of Chapter 12 - Help

R - Well, I've actually completed all the processes of this chapter (plus extra ones I added on) though I haven't yet typed everything up. I wanted to end cycle on it though, tidy it up a bit, so we can officially get stuck into the next chapter. I re-read where the Pilot says that each of these chapters is equivalent to doing a Grade within Scn. I am in full agreement with that. I began self- clearing as a Scn OTIII and Class V auditor and that was fantastic. That was a great start. Frankly, the better the start then the greater the potential gain with self clearing. I cannot say where I am at now. I haven't really thought about it. Reminds me of a saying in martial arts, `Beware the faded white belt'. The guy never bothered with the gradings and coloured belts, you know, but did all the training, then some bully would come along and make the big mistake of picking on this `white belt'. So I just keep doing these processes and life just keeps getting better and better.

Auditing/processing and training was the most wonderful thing that ever happened to me. Over a period of years It enabled me to struggle free from the quagmire, the morass, the mess I was in that passes for `normal' in our society. But the more I progressed, the more apparent it became I wasn't going to make it `all the way' with the Org/church so I left. It felt bad. I was like a fallen angel. I'd discovered paradise but couldn't hope to live there.

When I discovered the free zone on the net and saw what was available I was so excited I couldn't sleep properly for days. But still I thought I needed case supervision, professional auditing, correction, assessment, etc, etc. It never occurred to me I could achieve something on my own. But I got out my old meter and tried some stuff. It was fantastic - I was flying again. But I didn't really know where I was going. You know, driving around is great but after a while you want to get somewhere.

Self Clearing provides a freedom I never dreamed of. You not only process yourself but you don't even need a meter - just like they did it in the `old days'. Each day, even if I am a bit `down' then the next process takes me once again to the top of the tone scale. There are never any failed sessions. In fact I am more at home `up there' than I am `down here' because I spend more and more time up at knowingness. Everyday conversations with T usually end up with further cognitions/realisations/understandings on both our parts, as do all the diary entries. ALL my dynamics are improving, with no end in sight (infinity, the eighth dynamic). For instance we are purchasing our third property in the near future while fully enjoying the house and garden we moved into over Christmas, so my/our sixth dynamic, mest, is going great. We both now love our jobs, dancing classes, swimming, so we are happy with our third dynamics. Our bodies are in excellent shape (I'm still doing 100 sit-ups, hand-stand push-ups, etc, and T has just broken her record of five pull-ups) and we enjoy the wild birds coming to our garden, just built a frog pond, etc, so that's the fifth dynamic. The culmination of seventh dynamic (spiritual) wins due to self clearing led yesterday to directly recalling when I LOST the ability to levitate/defy gravity. You know, I recalled the actual incident of falling down from the sky after being forced by another being to agree with `gravity'. I was forced to `obey the RULES like everyone else', and down I came. In fact the word `rules' became literally a crashing misunderstood word for me! But that was then. Now I know I can (excuse the pun) rise to such heights of ability once again. Though your goals/purposes may be totally different I have no doubts that self clearing can enhance your abilities to achieve them, as it has T's and mine.

Oh, as far as this chapter goes, I learned I don't HAVE to help others. That is a nice new personal freedom and a lot less pressure on T and some other family, friends and acquaintances. Also there were some nice eighth dynamic wins which I will leave until a later point, as I'm sure it will show up again.

(End Self Clearing Diary Ch 12)

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